Four years ago, give or take a handful of months, I was sitting on the floor of my bathroom with a handful of pills. My plan was not well researched. I didn’t know how much Tylenol it would take to make my body stop working. I wasn’t sure if I mixed in other OTC pills, would that help? Would it hurt? Would it feel like falling asleep?
My only knowledge of suicide was from crime shows and late night news channels where I heard of all the ways people could die by their own hands. It’s not like there was a class or a book I could pick up to teach myself how to do this properly.
After forcing down more pills than I can remember, I sat on the cold floor for what felt like hours. In reality, it was only a few minutes before I shoved the end of a toothbrush down the back of my throat and emptied my stomach contents. As I crawled into bed that night, I remember thinking I wasn’t even brave enough to take my own life. My attempt at suicide was a failure, and at the time, I hated myself for it.
But now, four years later, I look back at my younger self and I am grateful for my fear. I am happy that she valued her life just enough to back out of ending it. The person I am today has grown because of what almost happened, what could have been. Not everyone is as lucky as I was.
What would I have missed? In four years, it may not seem like much, but it’s been a whirlwind of an experience. I would have missed out on watching my baby cousins grow up into the rambunctious four and five-year-olds they are today. Imagine that, I would have missed their terrible twos, and threes. We would never have snuggled on the couch watching Moana or Frozen. I would have never braided their hair a hundred different ways or watched their eyes light up when they came running to hug me.
I would have missed out on watching my brother graduate high school. Though this is still yet to come, I realize that if I wasn’t here, I wouldn’t be able to sit in that audience in a month to watch him walk (and probably dab) across the stage. I would have missed dozens of show choir and encore performances. I wouldn’t have been able to cry at his Eagle Scout ceremony. And who would’ve given him a hard time when he got a girlfriend?
I would have missed the empathetic little bug that is my youngest brother. In the past four years, he has grown up faster than I could have ever imagined. He’s still learning about who he is, and watching him become the person he is meant to be is amazing. He cares deeply, loves without question, and is passionate about what he does. In four years, I would have missed out on listening to him sing his solos in choir, and also through the walls between my room and the shower. His joy and enthusiasm for life made me a happier person.
As for myself, I never would have graduated high school. If I had ceased to exist four years ago, I would have never met the teachers who changed the way I think, who challenged me to become greater. I wouldn’t have gotten to go to college, and lose my way and find it and lose it a few more times. I never would have met the boy who filled my life with joy for two years, and taught me how to love, and how to let go.
Honestly, I can fill a book with the things I would have missed out on if I had taken my life. Life can be hard sometimes, there’s no mistaking that. With depression, my path certainly hasn’t been easy, but I’ve managed to survive. There are still days where I can barely get out of bed and shower. I’ll forget to brush my hair for a few days, or miss a meal here and there. There are weeks where I want to spend all my time under my covers and just cry. But there are also weeks where I am joyful, where I am happy to be outside and with friends, where I can celebrate my life and enjoy the time I have here.
Depression and suicide are scary topics. Without my family, friends, and loved ones - I would have never made it. Even now, my support system still picks me up when I’m down and looks out for me. Do people like me a favor. Look out for your friends, listen to them when they need to talk to you, and listen to them when they don’t say a word. Tell the people you love that you love them, each and every day, every chance you get. Don’t go to bed mad at your partner, or your best friend, or your parents. Go with kindness. Go with love.
And for the people like me. You are not alone. Your life is worth more than you can imagine. The world would not be the same without you in it. You are loved, you are needed, you are cherished. Please, don’t try to be brave and be alone. The people around you want to help. Let them.
I survived, and so can you.
As always, confidential help is available 24 hours a day through the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. If you ever feel alone, depressed, or have urges to harm yourself; call this number. Remember, you are never alone.
