The other day, I unfortunately came across an article entitled “Fashion Dont’s For Girls (According To 35 Guys).” Much like every other clickbait article on the internet, it caught my attention enough for me to dedicate three minutes of my precious time to read it. I went into it knowing that it will most likely piss me off, considering you rarely see an article directed at men, written by women, about how they should live their lives according to our standards. All I received from reading the article was more of an understanding as to why women find it so insanely difficult to be okay with who they are and accept that they are, in fact, beautiful.So ladies and gentleman, here is a list of things women think when men tell them how to dress when they didn't even ask in the first place.
1. “DON’T wear nose rings, because you look like a cow.”
Last time I checked, cow’s didn’t sport diamonds in their nostrils. Also, last time I checked, we really don’t give a f*ck if you like our nose rings or not. Honestly, I’ll pierce everything on my face if it’ll get you to stay away from me.
2. "DON'T starve yourself to where I can see your ribs."
DON’T ENCOURAGE ANYONE TO STARVE THEMSELVES TO ANY POINT YOU INSENSITIVE MONSTERS. No one is bothering you about your six pack, or lack thereof, so take your body shaming and shove it where the sun doesn’t shine, sweetheart.
3. "DON'T excessively accessorize."
Wow, I’m shocked you even know what it means to accessorize.
4. "DON'T wear uncomfortable shoes."
Last time I checked they weren’t on your f*cking feet, so shut up.
5. "DON'T get plastic surgery."
Hmmm, yet we live in a society that magnifies our insecurities and will never EVER let us forget them. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t, am I right?
6. "DON'T wear so much lipstick that it ends up on your teeth."
Oh, I’m so sorry the lipstick that ended up on my tooth is embarrassing you. Next time I’ll just make sure to leave it there so it makes you even more uncomfortable.
7. "DON'T add blonde streaks to your hair."
I’m not taking any fashion advice from anyone who refers to highlights as blonde streaks.
8. "DON'T wear long, fake fingernails."
But it looks so much better when I give you the middle finger. Nothing beats a nice, manicured f*ck you.
9. "DON'T shave the sides of your head."
Been there, done that and I still pull it off better than half of you do.
10. "DON'T wear high top jeans."
High tops are shoes. Jeans are high waisted and you sound like a f*cking idiot.
11. "DON'T wear lip gloss."
Maybe you should worry more about your credit card payments, finding a wife, or you know anything else, instead of being so oddly obsessed with my face.
12. "DON'T wear those giant glasses."
Oh, I'm sorry, let me just walk around with impaired vision to appease all of the big strong men in the world. Or, I could wear my giant glasses and use my 20/20 vision to get farther in life than any of you superficial dumbasses.
13. "DON'T wear fake eyelashes."
LOL, let’s be honest, you wouldn’t even notice the difference.
14. "DON'T cake your face with too much makeup."
The day that you learn how to contour, or even know what that is, is the day that you can give me any makeup advice whatsoever.
15. "DON'T wear wacky lipstick colors."
Again, whatever it takes to keep you away from me.
16. "DON'T wear high heels."
Ah, I’m sorry does this have anything to do with your height? Either way, don’t tell me what I can and cannot wear on my feet. Just because you're not man enough to deal with a little discomfort, doesn't mean we aren't.
17. "DON'T get tattoos."
I’ll be honest, this is so f*cking dumb that I can’t even come up with a witty retort. So I’ll just insert a very *dramatic eyeroll*
18. "DON'T get a boob job."
"DON'T get breast implants."
Wow you guys must feel really strongly about this one considering you said it twice. Yet i’m still willing to bet that your pornhub account is riddled with people with boob jobs that you absolutely LOVE to look at.
19. "DON'T wear bangs or short hair."
Maybe I’ll just shave my entire head so I can look just like you, maybe then I’ll get some respect.
20. "DON'T buzzcut your hair."
Oh, nevermind. Maybe I’ll just cut my head off completely so I no longer have to deal with you idiots.
21. "DON'T cover yourself in piercings."
I feel like you’re running out of shit to complain about. Aw, you poor entitled f*ckboys.
22. "DON'T dye your hair outrageous colors."
Wow, men seem to feel really strongly about what I do with my hair. Good thing it's growing out of my head and I get to do whatever the hell I want to it.
Now, let's try something new. How about a list of advice for men, written by a woman.
1. DON’T you f*cking dare tell me what to do.
That's all I could really come up with.