Beneath Boulder's folksy granola veneer there are some ugly, often hidden, parts to this town -- some less than perfect qualities that are worth mentioning. For instance:
The. Parking.
Chances are you're no stranger to the unyielding titanic force that is Boulder Parking Patrol. You've probably come back time and again to that all too familiar envelope poking out of your wipers: The welcome committee from Boulder Hell.
Maybe you've collected a few of these parking citations, or maybe you've collected more than just a few. Maybe what started as a few quickly snowballed out of control and now you're sitting on a small hill of these damn things and for some reason can't seem to throw them away because maybe you want some perspective on your life.
Maybe you're just acting out some hoarding tendencies and you feel like you're losing control over life, but you can't just throw out these freaking citations but that would somehow mean yielding to their power and letting them win and YOU CAN'T LET THOSE STUPID LOOKING SHEETS WIN THIS GAME 'CAUSE THEY THINK THEY'RE SO MUCH BETTER THAN Y--
*ahem*
Sorry. I sometimes get passionate when it comes to this issue.
At this point it should be said that all this is completely hypothetical. Pictured below is a hypothetical Boulder boy with his hypothetical Boulder ticket citation hoarding problem and having a hypothetical emotional breakdown.
So now that we know there's absolutely nothing autobiographical in this article we can move on.
It is important to remember that all is not lost. Here are some totally cool things you can do with your hard-earned pile of parking citations:
1. Make a Boulder Parking Citation snow angel.
-- Awesome way to have fun and be sad at the same time! Beware of paper-cuts.
2. Make a kite of your strife and send it to the Heavens.
-- You'll only need about 25 tickets to get a solid kite going.
3. Cry.
-- Always a valid option.
4. Get a Zipcar.
--But I'll be honest, I'm not sure how those work. It could be more of a hassle than just taking those tickets.
5. Maybe just ride your bike.
--But even there you're not safe from the tickets.
6. Warm yourself with a lovely parking ticket fire.
--There's no S'more as good as a felony S'more.
7. Add all the citation amounts and think too long about what you could've used it on instead.
--Not recommended.
8. Call for help.
-- Doesn't have to be physically screaming for help, but it's certainly more fun that way.
9. Run.
--Again always an option
10. Fake being charitable.
-- Got some canned food lying around somewhere underneath all your parking tickets? Bring em' into Parking Services and have your ticket waived! This typically rolls around every April, so if you had to choose a month to challenge the parking-enforcement-machine land somewhere close to there.
11. Hoard more!
--Screw it, you're deep in the hole anyway. What's a few more? You might as well go for the high score at this point anyway.
So hopefully you feel more equipped to make some fun out of the situation, or at the very least, feel less alone that you owe more to parking services than you do in your tuition.
