Some of you may consider yourself gym rats. Others of you may consider yourselves to be more library ferrets. And others may consider yourselves, I-could-do-that-but-I-think-I’d-rather-not mollusks. Whether you are a frequent sight at the gym or not, you have likely had the experience of sitting and waiting for a person to finish up their set at a machine. It’s an awkward purgatory of phone-checking and pretending that you don’t notice the person’s terrible, gut-wrenching grunts of torture. However, instead of just standing there like the grim reaper waiting for a fly to hurry up and die, here are some alternative and beneficial things to do to pass the time.
Position yourself next to the person and emulate the person’s movements as if you had the machine. Don’t know what to do while that person is squatting? Pull up next to them and start squatting next to them. For added effect, make grunting noises at the same time they are. You won’t have a bar, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t a great way to warm up for the exercise, and when the exerciser notices that you are into the same exercises they are, you never know -- you may make a friend!
Move your face up inches in front of theirs and stare directly at them until they finish. People think exercising is just a matter of using your body, but having the right facial expressions is crucial. How will you know what face to make for this exercise without seeing an example first? Get right up close to their face and observe the hell out of it. And with the intimacy you two will gain, you never know -- you may make a friend!
Strip yourself naked, place your clothes below you, and sit down on them with your legs crossed. It’s the 21st century! Stretching may have been a great way for your grandparents to warm up, but nudity is the way we do it in the iPhone generation. Exposure to fluorescent lights increases your vitamin B levels, which increases testosterone and gets you pumped! Don’t forget to place your clothes below you to prevent disease. And when that person sees your rockin’ bod and your advanced knowledge of fitness, you never know -- you may make a friend!
If you hear a wolf howl, take a ruby once owned by King George III and place it on top of the highest hill on the horizon where it can be fully exposed to moonlight.
While waiting for the bench or press you’re just dying to use, you might as well use that time to fulfill my great grandfather’s dying wish! My father tells me, to this day, that carrying out this act will expel the demons from your dreams and strengthen your core. When that person sees your loyalty to my family’s bloodline and destiny, you never know -- you may make a friend!
Eat spaghetti. If you aren’t taking a pot and stove to the gym by this point, go back to eighth grade P.E.! Everyone knows that the best thing to do before a workout is carbo load or, as I like to call it, ultra-mega-carbo-load-fitnessify. Fill yourself with some ‘sghetti before pumping some iron and just wait for the results to flood in! And if you have any extra, you can offer some to the person exercising, and you never know --you may make a friend!
Spoil the ending to Fight Club. There may be a good chance that the person exercising in front of you has never seen Fight Club and doesn’t know the surprise twist ending when Tyler Durden reveals that he can actually see into the future, but that true love was waiting for him in the present. It is a timeless twist and fun as hell to ruin for people who haven’t yet seen it. You won’t make any friends this way, though. This is kind of a dick thing to do.
Rectify your relationship with your brother. He loves you, and he just wants things to be okay again. He’s sorry about the car and Valentine’s day, but he was a different man then. Just let him back into your life. I didn’t want to put this in the article, but, he needs you. He needs you.
