I’ve been back home now for longer than I was abroad in the first place, but I’m still having trouble talking about how I felt about my experience. Even now, it’s such a mixed bag that I can’t say one way or another whether it was overall “good” or “bad.” I’ve been asked how my trip was a countless number of times, and responded with a countless number of variations of “great,” but that feels like a lie.

I studied abroad in Seoul, South Korea, and what I know for certain is that I didn’t want to stay.

What everyone told me before I went were things like, “You’ll never want to come home,” and, “Stay abroad for a whole year if you can!” I believed them. A big part of the reason I chose DU was its fantastic program for studying abroad. It was something I massively looked forward to about college.

But what nobody tells you is just how emotionally trying it is. I mean, I wasn’t expecting it to be smooth sailing from start to finish, but I wasn’t prepared for how stressful it would be. I hear other people talk about their experiences studying abroad, and while everyone had challenges, for most it seems like a net positive. In these conversations, I never want to be the odd man out in saying that there’s a large part of me that wishes I hadn’t gone.

Now, I definitely did some cool things. I have stockpile of interesting stories to whip out when the topic comes up. But I can’t help but feel my experience was shallow in comparison to those of my friends. I didn’t make any long-term friends in Korea, and I didn’t become proficient in Korean. I didn’t do much extra traveling; in fact, I only left Seoul once. Now, all of those things are completely on me, but the overall stress made it difficult for me to get the motivation to do any of those things.

The program I was on allowed a lot of independence. I did this intentionally, so I could choose whatever classes I wanted and plan all of my own activities. I made a big list of all the sights I would see and things I would do before I went. What I didn’t realize is how difficult it would be to convince myself to do them once I was actually there.

I completely underestimated how the debilitating the stress would be. I was taking five classes, all in science or engineering, all with mostly Korean students. On top of that, the time difference made it so there was only a few hours' window of the day where I could even talk to my friends and family back home. The language barrier made it a challenge to even print out a homework assignment at the library. I was unable to sing, figure skate, or even just watch Netflix, the things I normally do to relieve stress.

I have never felt more confined and lonely in my life.

That loneliness and general stress made it a huge challenge to gather the mental energy to do new things. I had the whole list ready, but I lacked the mental energy to cross things off of it. When I did manage to convince myself that leaving the house was a good idea, it was almost always worth it. But I still had the same struggle every time I wanted to go out and cross something off the list.

At one point, the depression was bad enough that I went to a foreigner-friendly bar and started crying into my beer as I poured all of my emotions onto the Canadian next to me who was too polite to tell me to shut up.

I guess that, like everyone, I did learn something about myself while I was abroad. I learned that living alone in a foreign country is not for me. Travelling on vacation, sure. The most fun I had in Korea was when I was visiting the history museum, the DMZ, the Changdeokgung Palace, or the restaurants and nightclubs in Hongdae and Itaewon. But those are the kind of things that you would do on a one or two week trip to Seoul. It’s all of the little daily tasks that constitute “living” somewhere and their many unexpected little difficulties that colored the whole experience a little darker. I learned that I’m not as spontaneous or “free spirited” as I thought I was. I discovered that I am a person who likes to have her roots set in one place. I learned that I need my loved ones near me to actually be happy.

It’s been hard to admit, but I’m finally doing it. If I add up all the positives and negatives of my study abroad experience and weigh them against each other, the negatives win. My advice to you if you are student who will be studying abroad soon is to prepare yourself for this possibility. Especially if you are an introvert like me, plan out how you will cope with being in stressful situations surrounded by strangers who may not even speak English.

In the end, even though it wasn’t the most pleasant experience of my life, I don’t regret going. Studying abroad is meant to be an educational experience, and that it was. Just not in the way I expected.