I don't proclaim to be completely understanding of love or an expert at what love is or isn't. Through my own experience, I've learned that sometimes you have to struggle through what you thought was love in order to realize that it really wasn't. And what was is constantly changing into the reality of what is. And sometimes love then isn't love now.
One of the most mind-blowing lessons I learned about love was that it is an action. Love is something you do, something you strive to infect others with through your actions and behaviors; it's not just an emotion you feel on a whim. If looking at love from a scriptural reference, many of us are familiar with the "love chapter" or 1 Corinthians 13. Here through verses 4-7 in the ESV version, love is described as such:
Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
To those who may not study this more in-depth especially at different points throughout the Bible, it may sound overly cliche. After all, we seem to have a pretty good idea of what love is, or at least what it should be. How do we know what love isn't? Here are a few ways I have figured that out through my own experiences.
Love isn't fluff
Let's get it straight: love can be work sometimes in that it's a conscious effort that we all have to choose to make. At the same time, it shouldn't be so much work that it's not as natural as it should be. Loving someone can be as easy or as hard as we make it, but however easy or difficult it may be, it's still more than the butterflies and the obsession we may feel at first.
Love doesn't hurt
We don't need to put ourselves through pain to earn someone's love. We don't need to "wait it out" until a situation gets better and we can experience love again. Correcting someone in love is also something I feel can be misunderstood. Loving someone doesn't mean you overlook their flaws, but it does mean you support them through their trials and lovingly correct as necessary, and not in a self-righteous way.
Love isn't about shaping someone else
Love someone for who they are--even though they may not be all that you thought you wanted. People are more than just qualities that you want in someone; we all have habits and characteristics that are annoying or imperfect, but life isn't a game where we can create our life partners with specific qualities and experiences that fit our lifestyle. The people who impact our lives are not there so we can shape, mold or manipulate them to fit the space in our life we're seeking to fill. Everyone teaches us something and when we truly love someone, we're accepting of all they have to offer.
Love originates from knowing your worth
Coming from the perspective of a Christian, I know I am loved first by God and that I must be aware of my position in Him before I try to make a relationship with someone else work. I used to think that I wanted someone to put their relationship with me as their first priority, but now I realize that if God is not their first love, then I can't have a healthy relationship with them because mutual encouragement in sustaining a relationship with Him is more important than the relationship between someone else and myself. Knowing my worth lies in Him also helps me to know how I deserve to be treated and gives me a clear idea of what love is really supposed to look and feel like.
I'm constantly striving to love better. We've all been hurt by failed relationships or friendships by people we've loved and lost. However, love itself will never hurt us. Sometimes striving for love in places we're not meant to remain can lead to us being hurt. It's important to realize that even through experiencing hardships, heartbreak and failure, we've learned something important: what love is not, and what we can look forward to in the future when we experience the love we're meant to have.
