I never know what I want in life. Every time I think I find what will make me happy, something seemingly better comes along.

At the end of last year, my father got a job offer in Myrtle Beach. We currently lived in the west end of Huntington, West Virginia - which if you know anything about our state and city, then you’d understand what a blessing it’d be to get out of there. He moved, and I decided I’d follow behind him and begin a new journey of life in South Carolina. I quickly realized that this newfound luxury beach life was not ‘all that and a bag of chips.’ I had no friends, and other than my dad, I really didn’t even know anyone else down here. I went through the motions, like I knew I was supposed to and within two days, had two jobs and my acceptance letter to Coastal Carolina University.

The people I worked with were nice enough. They gave me a nickname and told me I was a great waitress. It was a Steeler’s bar – Gosh I hate the Steelers. I even hung out with one of the other waitresses after work a few times. She was nice, but even a friend couldn’t make me want to stay. What kind of sick-minded person moves away from the beach? From sandy toes and easy access to alcohol, back to ‘West by God Virginia.’

So, I moved back to Huntington and started living with my boyfriend at the time. I am a Christian, a whole-hearted believer in God, and I can tell you that during those weeks I had never felt so distant from Him. Not only was I having sex before marriage, but I was living with a boy.

After about a month, I was tired of being emotionally and sometimes even physically abused and decided to move in with my mom and her new family. It’s been eventful to say the least.

My parents separated in my early teenage years. I can’t really say I was sad because I’d known for a long time that it was inevitable. It just took some getting used to; Now I have a ‘stepdad’ and two beautiful baby brothers and a roof over my head where I don’t spend every night crying and wishing I were dead.

But even this new life hasn’t given me the fulfillment I’m hoping to feel someday. Now I miss my dad to no end, wishing almost every day that I’d stuck it out with him, and made sure to be the only person that never left his side.

When it comes to relationships, uncertainty takes on a whole new form. I can never get my brain wrapped around what it thinks it wants. I mean gracious, my mind changes as often as the days change to nights.

The irony of it is, I thought I had finally found someone I could potentially love. He is different than anyone else I’ve ever been with before. And as soon as I think we could be something real, the love of my life (well, ‘the love of my life’ as told by seventh grade Rebekah) texts me and tells me him and his girlfriend have broken up.

What’s a girl to do?