I’m not even 21, sadly, I have a month and seven days left in the irrelevant 20 year. So, for me to write this article is a bit “ignorant.” However, I am in college. I can pretty much guess what kind of person you are based on the cheap alcohol you consume (and so can everyone else). This is all in good spirits, so try not to start a protest over this too (you liked that pun, didn’t you).
1. Vodka (more specifically, Exclusiv Vodka)
You are 100 percent a female and a poor college student. You can basically drink rubbing alcohol for $10.00 but mix it with cranberry juice at your pregame and tell yourself it’s fine.
2. Vodka (more specifically, Tito’s)
You are still a poor college student, but you wanted to upgrade from Exclusiv for the night and “treat yourself” with alcohol that’s still pretty bad, but not bad enough to make you hate yourself.
3. Margarita
You’re either at a Mexican restaurant or about to get in a pool and want to be “festive.”
4. Manhattan
Congrats, you and my grandmother would get along so well.
5. Gin and Tonic
Ew? Men mostly drink this, maybe because they’re too embarrassed to order their Vodka Water.
6. Vodka Water
You apparently hate yourself or you’re just drinking to get drunk. Or you are that annoying girl that is on “a diet.” Newsflash: If you drink 10 of them, it still isn’t that healthy.
7. Maker’s Mark and Water
Sick, dude. Proud of you for drinking your disgusting bath water. I can drink water and nail polish remover and it would taste the same.
8. Jack and Coke
If you’re planning on getting in a bar fight, this is definitely the way to go.
9. Cosmopolitan
Tell me, how many episodes of "Sex and the City" have you seen?
10. Pabst Blue Ribbon/Natural Light/Coors Light
Let me know what frat lap you are taking later. If you order this at a bar, just know that I hate you.
11. Michelob Ultra
“It’s the healthiest beer out there.” OK, not when you drink an entire case.
12. Heineken
“I drink this because I went to Europe once.”
13. Southern Comfort
I loved you in Lonesome Dove. Stick to Jack Daniels.
14. Crown Royal
The best part about this alcohol is the purple bag you can keep to put your jewelry in.
15. Brandy
I like the glass it’s served in and that’s about it. I think of an 80-year-old man in his study every time I see this offered up. So unless you’re an 80-year-old man in your study, try something else.
16. Bourbon
Women that drink this are either trying to impress a man at the bar, or just really independent and don’t need no man. Men that drink this are probably crying while doing so.
17. Mimosa
You’re either eating brunch or a poor college student pregaming for the football game at 11 a.m.
18. Mojito
You’re so cool! I wish I was you!
