Like most people growing up, I resented my mother for making me go to church. Sitting in a big room for an hour listening to people read was not my style. I was bored, wouldn't pay attention and would find any excuse to stay at home, even if it meant cleaning the house. I knew how much church meant to my mom and I believed in God, but at the time I felt that I didn't have a reason to praise him. I always felt alone, scared, unappreciated, overlooked and as if I was never enough. I thought the world was out to get me and no matter how much I prayed it didn't seem to change, so why should my beliefs?
I felt like such a hypocrite. Going and pretending I was something I wasn't, acting like I loved Jesus and his holy father. Then came the time to get confirmed in the church and that feeling of hypocrisy just got worse. I was becoming even more involved in my church and it was hard. But I knew I couldn't say anything. I realized that I was pretending for my mom, my grandpa, my grandma, everyone. I wanted them to be proud. I craved it. But all of the sudden it seemed that my prayers had been answered. I was given a friend, a best friend who I held near and dear to my heart for 7 years. She began to show me everything I had and showed me the way when I began to feel lost again. And suddenly one incident made me realize who I truly am and what I really believe.
It was in June, summer going into my senior year of high school, and I was in a car accident. A pretty bad one. But somehow, I came out of it almost completely unscathed. I should have died. Looking back I remember it. The feeling of the car flipping, the seatbelt choking me, holding myself up on broken glass, and seeing the car afterward with the side doors bent in so badly the paramedics couldn't get to me at first. In that moment I knew that there was a reason I didn't die, a reason to still be alive. And after I went to church I feel at home. That accident shocked me back to life, as ironic as it sounds. But for the first time in a long time, I felt what it was like to have real faith. And just as I was getting used to that feeling, something else happened.
August 25, 2016, at 12:18 a.m. my faith was being put to the ultimate test. I lost one of the most influential people in my life in a horrific car accident. The best friend that was putting me on the right track. And two months later, tragedy struck again. My grandfather lost his 18 year battle with cancer and it seemed like I couldn't even function anymore. I was zoning out in class, couldn't sleep, and felt all alone, even in a sea of people. I didn't know what to do, who to turn to, and was just mad. Mad at the situation, mad at my friend and grandfather for leaving this world, and mad at God for taking them from me. It seemed like nothing in my life was going right. I cried so much that many of the blood vessels in my eyes broke and my eyes were blood shot for two weeks. But what made me even more mad was that when I was at church, I felt at peace and like I belonged. Like I was home.
It took a while for me to want to pray again, to really want to go to church. So many things were changing in my life and it felt like the world was out to get me. They say that God only gives you as much as you can handle. I would replay that quote in my head and after just think that he expects way too much out of me because I cannot possibly be this strong. But I was. Strike that. I am. After overcoming obstacle after obstacle I keeping getting surprised that I was able to do so. I know other obstacles are coming. And they are coming very soon. But finally taking a step back, looking at the bigger picture and gaining a new perspective on my life and what I want has helped me not just become emotionally and mentally strong, but also strengthen my relationship with God.
