Out of all of the articles that I have written in the past, this one was the hardest. Teardrops have covered this page and memories have flooded my mind. Thankfully, my dad is home, safe, and it's been years since he was gone, but it still hurts just as bad as the days he was gone anytime I try to talk about it.
I was a kid at the time. I had no idea why any of these things were going on. I'll never be able to explain the confusion and the fear that went through my mind when we came home without my dad. I thought we were going on vacation. Looking back at pictures breaks my heart because I was so young and ignorant about the situation. My little brother and I look so happy and my dad's face is red and covered in tears and we had no idea what was going on. "We're just taking pictures, daddy, why are you crying?"
Anyone who knows me knows that the easiest way to piss me off is to disrespect someone who is in the military or anyone in a military family. Unless you've lived it, you'll never truly understand.
You'll never understand choking back tears as you try to explain to your kids or your younger sibling that mommy or daddy is fighting bad guys. You'll never understand being so confused when everyone is telling you, "Daddy is coming home soon," yet you wake up morning after morning without him there. You'll never understand growing up too soon because you're trying to help your mom raise your little brother because you know she can't do it on her own even though you're still a kid yourself. You'll never understand waving at every plane that flies above you because in your mind, there are soldiers in it and you want your dad to wave back. You'll never understand going to school and constantly being asked, "When is your daddy coming home?" You'll never understand the excitement of getting a letter in the mail from a base in Iraq. You'll never understand what it's like waking up in tears screaming because you had another nightmare. You'll never understand what it's like being terrified to open your front door when someone knocks because you're so afraid that it's going to be a man in a suit holding a folded up flag. You'll never understand refusing to sleep in anything other than one of your dad's t-shirts even though it comes down to your ankles. You'll never understand that pain that still comes when a certain Dixie Chicks, John Michael Montgomery, Toby Keith, Lonestar, or 3 Doors Down song comes on. You'll never understand how much my dog tags mean to me. You'll never understand the fear when the first plane lands but your dad isn't on it but you have to put on a brave face in front of your family because you know they're watching everyone's homecoming moments too. You'll never understand the relief of finally seeing your dad and being the first one to take off running to him. You'll never understand the confusion that comes with wondering why your dad won't shoot fireworks on the Fourth Of July even though he always used to. You don't know fear. You don't know pain. You don't know strength.
It's so hard explaining to someone why you don't want them to go into the military even though your dad did. I don't care how you feel about this country, or what you think of the president, if there is a moment of silence, you be silent. If the National Anthem is played, your hat better come off and your hand goes to your heart out of respect. You might not understand why these things are so important but I do.
I remember everything so vividly, and it was over ten years ago. I can still feel the pain in my chest and the tears come every time I talk about it. Looking back, it shocks me that I was as young as I was because of how everyone has told me how I acted and responded to questions about it. Every home video that my mom recorded, I'm screaming into the camera, "Hi, daddy, I love you!" I know it sounds so surreal but this was my life. This was my childhood. This is a major part of what shaped me into the person I am today. I don't personally know what it's like to necessarily be in the military, but I do know what it's like to be affected first hand by it. I know what it's like to be an army brat.
I'm crying so hard writing this so I'll end it with this: To all of our troops and vets out there, thank you so much for your service. And I love you, daddy.
