1. Questions, questions, questions
You’ve been sitting there enjoying your food of choice when suddenly one of your relatives comes up to you and begins asking you questions. You tense up immediately as the questions begin to roll in: “How have you been? How’s school? What are you doing after you graduate? How’s your boyfriend? When do you plan on having kids?” You sit there stuffing Oreos in your face, doing the best you can to answer their questions until they leave and one of your aunts come along to begin round two.
3. Embarrassing stories
The children get to play and the baby has nothing embarrassing to tell yet, the adults just talk about each other, but you? You have the unfortunate privilege of being the subject of very embarrassing stories from your childhood, all of which are as equally cringe-worthy as the last. Yes Aunt Diane, I remember taking a dare to stand on a pole, falling and breaking my arm in front of a whole bunch of kids. I also remember freaking out in kindergarten when I got blue paper and not red paper for a creative project. No, we don’t need to discuss this right now, I beg of you.
4. “I remember when you were *insert age here* old!”
You mention something to your aunt about it being your last year in college. You thought this action was innocent, but you were very, very wrong. Suddenly it's as if everyone’s developed super hearing because all eyes are now on you as you. No one can apparently believe you’re as old as you are now. You drink your way through comments on how everyone remembers you when you were small and how time flies by, hoping for an escape.
5. The kids' table
Speaking of no one knowing exactly how old you are, the biggest question at these functions is what exactly the cutoff age is for when they stop placing you at the kids’ table. The answer is that no one knows. Apparently it’s never since you’re 21 years old and you still get placed at the kids' table with 7-11-year-olds that would rather throw food at each other than sit at a nice quiet meal together and talk. You can see your mother looking over her shoulder at you before immediately turning back around once she catches a glimpse at the envy in your eyes.
6. Finally finding the family pet
Nothing is more victorious at family functions than finding the family pet. Whether it be a cat, dog, hamster, or even a fish, whatever the family pet is, it is still a joyous occasion. They won’t ask you awkward questions or tell weird stories, no. They will bring you comfort after an evening which so far has made you so uncomfortable you want to leave your body for an indefinite period of time.
