I feel like being upset about your weight is one of the most narcissistic things you can do. Yet here I am. Writing about my obsession with my weight.
Now if someone is a close friend to me, they know how obsessed I am. I constantly ask for validation from others in the way I look. “Does this make me look fat?,” “Would you judge me if I ate like 3 donuts?”
I mean honestly, it’s ANNOYING. So to my friends, I apologize.
Now where did my obsession with my weight start? I think it was the very first time I lost weight, and then I gained weight, and then I lost it back. And every time I did, I heard the same thing. When I was heavier, it was, “remember how you used to look?,” and when I lost weight, it was always “wow you look amazing.” And that’s when I realized people really took notice when I was thinner.
However, one specific incident in college has stuck with me. One night I was out at a bar with a few friends aPREAnd one of the guys I was with was hitting on a girl who had to be around the exact same size as me. Then one of the others guys we were with turns to me and jokes, “hey that chick is kind of fat, why is he talking to her.” I remember looking at that girl, and thinking is that what people think of me? Am I that girl? (Now looking back I realize that guy is probably the WORST, and for someone to consider not speaking to you based on your weight means they have their own demons, but that is beyond what I am trying to say).
When I’m around my friends I am also keenly aware of my weight. My two best friends in the world are skinny. And I mean in that way that they could literally stand at any angle and look beautiful. And one of the many things I love about them the most is that they have never once told me they were fat. They know they are skinny, and they own it. To all my girls who feel a like they could lose a few pounds, nothing is worse than hearing someone 30 pounds lighter than you saying they are fat. I mean seriously? That’s basically calling me a beached whale in front of my face, and making me want to hate you for at least 30 minutes until I can find some food to calm me down (probably something with carbs).
However, what my obsession with my weight has taught me is that I worry way too much about my appearance. All the energy I put into stressing over how much I weigh could be used for something a lot better. Maybe I will always go up and down with my weight, and it will constantly be something I deal with. But at the end of the day, as long as you are healthy, it just doesn’t matter. I have yet to meet a human who is 100% comfortable with who they are, and if you find them, please let me know. As for me, I am going to do my best to find my validation through being honest, and a decent human with a good heart. It’s so unfortunate that people’s insides can’t be what you see first.