Anxiety is something that most young people suffer with. I have been dealing with my anxiety for about a decade now and it has taught me a lot. I learned different ways to execute my feelings, and get myself out of an anxious mindset. An effective execution for me lately has been writing. When I’m having an attack, I write how I feel. It brings me to a better place, even if my current mindset is dark. Even though you hear a lot of people say that they know what it feels like to have anxiety, I feel like everybody has a different way and/or reason they become anxious. My anxiety, for example, is very much connected to my depression. I find that one "compliments" the other. Yes, I know people say that anxiety cannot be changed or stopped and sometimes it comes from nowhere. That is true to an extent, but there is always something in your life that triggered it. If you dig deep down, you might find it. I think all of my insomniac nights spent having anxiety attacks, has allowed me to really understand where it originated. Moving forward, my anxiety is a part of who I am. I had wanted to share some of my writing with the world, so people understand what it feel like when someone is CURRENTLY having an attack.
This is set from three different occasions:
"I don’t understand how I feel sometimes. I feel like I’m lost. I don’t know where I am, even though I know my location. I don’t know how I feel, but I feel fine. I feel like I’m drowning, but I’m on land. I feel drunk, but I am sober. I feel high, but I didn’t smoke. My mind is all foggy and I can’t see straight. I can’t think straight. I am alone in a room full of people. The music is loud but I hear silence. I want to love but I am not capable of it. I want to be happy but I am not capable of it. I am frozen within my own thoughts, I feel paralyzed within my mind, not being able to speak."
“The worst part about living with depression are those dark nights. Those nights when there is nothing left to distract you, those nights where you’re alone with your own thoughts. Your mind can take you to many places. Some say that it’s all mental, that if you just change your thought process- you can be happy, you won’t think about the darkness. But the reality is, no one wants to think this way. If it were that easy, I wouldn’t be awake all night. All I want is to see the light- but my mind only brings me to the dark.”
"I feel lost. I feel lost in a sea of emotion. I feel lost in a sea of doubt filling my body. I feel the pain running through my veins. The strive to be happy tingling my hands. Anxious thrills of the future, anxious concerns of the past. I feel lost in a sea of my thoughts consistently overpowering my mind. I feel lost, and I just want to be found."
Even though my anxiety is something that defines me, the darkness that sometimes fills me does not. I have learned that everyone has their demons, their past, and the hardships they go through everyday. Even if it may not seem like it, it will get better. Just keep pushing forward and remember that when you're older, successful, and in love, you'll remember the times where you thought it would never happen and cherish the life you live.