So, I was watching “Friends” the other day (anyone who knows me knows this is nearly a sickness) and couldn't help but analyze the peculiarities if how differently the guys talk about gals and how the ladies conduct their dude talk; this particular episode is the one where Ross shares his Star Wars sex fantasy with Rachel…. you all know the scene, with Princess Leia and her scrolly gold bikini contraption?

Indeed, you know the one. So, Ross tells Rachel of this fantasy, she then tells all of her friends, and Ross is, of course, less than amused. Rachel doesn’t see the problem, claiming the bunch tells each other everything! She then advises Ross that he should talk with the guys more, you know, to connect with them! Which they do… then Chandler shares something that disturbs Ross, and that is the end of that.

This all seems like fun and games, just for a good laugh, but it got me thinking…

Does this scenario really describe a difference in the genders and how they connect with each other over sex talks?

Is it better for friendship bonding to kiss and tell, or keep sexy secrets and throw away the key?

So, do girls really tell each other everything… and do guys really tell each other next to nothing?

Disclaimer: I know this article is pretty heteronormative, and for that I do apologize. This is my observation of some differences between guys and gals and why they fall into a binary… so maybe through a little analysis of something so simple as guy talk and girl talk we can identify some elements that perpetuate the binary and start to break it down. Just a theory but one that may damn well help!

As far as ladies go, I have a fair bit of experience with the ways we chit chat and just how much we share. This doesn’t go for all women of course; each individual is different and each dynamic of friendship is different. But, I can say with fair certainty that we at least engage in a little man talk with one another, often no matter the setting or group of people. I can also say that I don’t run around to every woman I see and regale the details of my every sexual experience: definitely not.

Close friends though? Totally different story! My closest friends know many of the embarrassments, excitements, and sweet moments of my encounters… and I know many of theirs. We share things like “my bra got caught around my arm, the strap snapped and hit him in the elbow,” or “he was sort of bossy and I loved it,” “or he knew just the right way to bite my bottom lip,” and such little tidbits.

I think there are times to kiss and tell all, but I feel that there are some things that should be left in the moment between the people with whom it happened too. Though women adore every cute or dirty detail of last night's love session, we also respect boundaries; our own boundaries and those of whomever we’re sleeping with. I would never share something that could embarrass someone I am or have been involved with, especially not someone I respect or who was kind and respectful to me. More often than not, I find myself sharing the great things about the night before with friends.

But, as can be clearly seen by Carrie Bradshaw and her legendary squad, a girl just has to share some of the funny things too! It’s what bonds us and brings us closer together though our feelings of vulnerability and uncertainty, whether they are emotional, sexual, internal… anything.

We talk about ourselves a lot too… what we’re attracted to, our fantasies, questions, advice; much of our sex talk ends up being about our own ideas… those are the discussions that bond us stronger than super glue. The silly stories of bad dates or weak in the knee’s type kisses certainly have their value, but there is hardly a bond stronger than one fostered over a mutual love for lumberjack-like men, or a shared fantasy of “Fifty Shades of Grey” type romance.

So when it is said that women tell each other everything, that is true in a sense. We may tell everything about ourselves, and some tell everything about everything. When it comes to men specifically, there is always much to share and connect over, but there are certain things we like to tuck in the back of our minds for only us to know and to keep.

Guys, on the other hand, I obviously can’t presume to know the exact particulars of their discussions. I can only tell what I know from asking and from eavesdropping (sorry gentlemen it happens sometimes, I know you do it too). From what guys have told me, they definitely talk sex talk and the way that they talk about sex and all related things varies widely.

According to Ross, guys talk about the wild things they’ve done, like “who slept with a stripper,” and “who did it on the back of the Staten Island Ferry,” (which were both Joey in case you’re curious, but do watch the episode it’s a great one) but they don’t share things about significant others and the more intimate interactions. This has been confirmed for the most part by guys I know. I have heard men talk about the types of women they’re attracted to, their awesome sexual escapades and the cool things they’ve done, the girls they can see themselves marrying and the ones they want to see in the dim light of the bedroom.

One thing that I haven’t had the opportunity to listen to, or overheard guys talking about, is themselves. I am sure it happens somewhere and maybe I have never been present in a situation where such discussion happens; I would also venture to guess those discussions aren’t as common amongst men as they are among women. Things like the way guys feel about sex, things they like, fantasies they have, don’t seem to be topics they have lunch over.

So, overall the sex talk between women and men doesn’t seem all that different; both groups share some of the fun stuff and hold back the precious things, but the difference is women talk about themselves and their sexuality and men seem to not as often, unless it’s in reference to their experiences, but not their inner experiences, so to speak. Now this might be something of merit.

Is this type of talk amongst one group and the other a conditioned behavior that we learn from society? Is it due to fundamental differences in gender? If sex is universal, why is there a difference in the way we talk about it?

This kind of speech can be heard in the music we listen to day to day, in movies and shows, in the media all around us. Is our world really so gendered that even the way we talk about sex is different for women and for men? I may not know the answer to these questions, but I did know this conversation was going somewhere.

The larger issue here, then, is not whether women are overly open and men are taciturn… why is even the way we talk about the one thing that is supposed to bring everyone together, split into a binary that permeates basically our entire existence?

And to that I will reply with my most popularly used phrase lately “I don’t know…” but I am about to continue my “Friends” binge and see if I can find out. Y’all keep on sexy talking in the meantime!

xoxo- Abby