Why does it hurt when we think of that one person? The one who has the ability to make us whole and then who can also wreck us? It's all apart of life. It makes us stronger, but also makes us realize that there is no knight on a white horse coming to rescue us. If there were than wouldn't we all be content and happy with lives.
This is about the guy you like never knowing you like him. Sure, he may suspect, but the honest truth is most guys are pretty oblivious unless you try hard and I mean hard to get them to notice. It's easy to pretend after a while; that he's only a friend and you're happy for him. That it doesn't hurt when you see him with someone else.
Try loving that guy, that used to be a pain and who you couldn't stand and then one day turn around and actually be friends with him and then somewhere in the four years of friendship that you managed to built, fall in love with him. You kept it buried inside of you, just content to be his friend, but then somehow it became harder and harder to be near him without letting on how you felt.
I know the feeling well. He was a pain in my ass freshman year of high school and then we became friends somehow. To this day I don't really know how we became the friends we are to day, but we are and he is one of my best friends. I can't think of life without him.
He was the kind of guy who you didn't think you could be friends with. He seemed obnoxious and had the haughty behavior of being so much better than you, but the truth was we were equals. But you think back to that first class and him sitting with the other guys and I'm sitting with my friend and you get the impression that he's someone you could never associate with and then you realize he's human just like you.
I think back to that day and the subsequent days and weeks ahead until, I'm happy to see him and then when I realized I would never get his attention. Remember the friend I was sitting with in that class. Well, he liked her, she liked him and it was over. I backed off, but still remained friends with them. But it hurt, because they were so happy together and had so much in common and then I knew I would never get him. He wasn't a prize to be won.
We went on a trip to Europe together and he watched out for me, probably because somewhere along the way, my parents asked him to, but I wasn't naive. I didn't think something would happen. Would I have liked it to? Sure. Did it? No. We continued being friends and I tried my hardest to get anything out of him while on that trip about anything.
After 10 days, we returned home, only to continue our friendship and at least to me, this weird dance we had going on. I would avoid him, but then I would cave and talk to him over the rest of that summer. School started up again and we had basically the same classes and it was then I knew I could never have him.
He was dating one of my friends and so I slowly started to build a wall around me. Sure, we were the same, but I was a little more reserved, a little more quiet, a little more careful. There were those that knew and tried to take me out of it, but something in my head just couldn't leave it alone and I couldn't move on.
They dated for nearly a year and a-half and then they broke up. I didn't know until after the fact, when I mean after, I mean like a month. But I should have known. We worked together on a project in a class together that his ex (my friend) was in as well and she completely avoided me for a while. For a while there I thought she had caught on that I was in love with her boyfriend, but in reality it was the break-up and other things.
We started talking again, but I was still careful. I went to him when the times got tough and he was my voice of reason when I was being stupid. Like during college application season. I was freaking out about not hearing back from schools when others had and I was scared that I wouldn't get accepted. He had to talk me out of all sorts of things, but because of him I was okay and he made life bearable when school was ready to kill us all. Late night talks of idiosyncrasies and idiot words falling out of sleep deprived mouths.
And then prom senior year came around and the Spring Production. I wanted him there so badly and did he come? No, but that didn't bother me as much as what happened after the fact. One of my best friends knew how I felt and that I liked him, but I didn't have the guts to ask him to Prom, so instead she asked me if it was okay if she asked him to be her date. And me, being the good friend that I am, gave her the go-ahead.
That was hard for me. Because I wanted her to be happy, I wanted him to be happy, but I sacrificed my own happiness. I sometimes ask myself what if and then realize it doesn't do well to dwell on the what ifs and living in the past. Live for the moments and for the future. If it's meant to happen it will, in due time. But I know he'll never be mine. I've made peace with that and am slowly moving on. When I mean slowly, I mean as slow as a tree growing from a baby to a full grown tree.
I still talk to him and still in the same way we have always talked together. But I worry that when we're only 100 some miles away that something will come out and we'll lose touch or we won't need each other anymore. It's childish and stupid, but he's been this constant in my life.
I miss him, but talking to him helps fill the void. He can't know that I like him. The day he knows, is the day that he'll leave and never speak to me again. Maybe when we're older and I have the nerve, I'll tell him, but for now, I'll stay quiet. Have this secret I've kept for more than four years now. It's better for him to live his life than me factoring in and causing an upheaval.
It's been made very clear that I'm just a friend. He told me there were girls he was interested in that had caught his eye at school and my heart broke just a little more than you think it would. I'll take the friendship, if that's all I can get. I'll get over him and find someone, maybe. Until then, I'll care for him, but it's time to slowly release the hold he has on my heart and for me to let him go. If I keep going down this road then I'll only hurt myself in the end and I don't think I can heal my already fragile heart.
It's clear that I need to let him go because the only one I'm hurting is myself by living in a world of what ifs and could have beens. So, take this as the final chapter in the story. Maybe something will happen one day, but for now I'll settle for the friendship and maybe, just maybe letting go a little bit and living my life just a little bit more. Maybe I can find someone new to fall for that will actually love me because life is too short to be caught up on something that will more than likely not happen. So, I'm letting you go and if you return than that's my sign. But I need to live.
