I have spent most of my life hating Fidel Castro. I hated his name, I hated his entire family, and I'm pretty sure I hated anybody who even had the audacity to mention him in front of me. I spent 18 years hating a man I had never known and I actually found myself celebrating the day he died. I never thought that I would be one of the people singing and celebrating outside of La Carreta Restaurant, yet I found myself honking my horn and wiping away tears of happiness as I drove by. Does celebrating the death of a man, regardless of his actions and "evil" persona, make me just as evil as him?

I've pondered this a lot recently. I know that he was an awful man who imprisoned many and kept an entire country in a state of turmoil in order to deepen his pockets. However, I also know that hating him and holding resentment in my heart only means that he has been successful in inciting hatred. Fidel was a symbol of oppression and dictatorship, and he was the catalyst in the upheaval of Cuban society and freedom. My grandparents have told me story after story regarding Fidel and his horrible legacy, yet I still find myself slightly guilty for being happy about his death. I feel even more guilty about acknowledging my feelings, as I don't want to feel as if I am letting my parents and grandparents down. I am in no means sympathizing with this awful human being, but I am struggling in developing my feelings. He has left so many families broken and damaged, but something within me is causing me guilt. It has been over a week and I still have not deciphered the true meaning behind my feelings. I am happy he is dead; however, I am also not sure whether I could ever be truly happy because of the death of another human being.

Fidel Castro was a horrible human being who deserved nothing but misery and hardship, but I somehow believe that I will never be able to fathom death and what it entails, even in regards to Fidel. I know that I am not a bad person, but celebrating the death of a human being, even Fidel, feels wrong. This entire situation is messy, and I am not saying that his death upsets or saddens me, but I am trying to come to terms with the complexity of my emotions. An entire country is now on the cusp of a new chapter in history, and I am only hoping that I will never have to feel this way again.