What Disappearance Means to Me
Start writing a post

What Disappearance Means to Me

Fighting to get back on my feet

What Disappearance Means to Me

I have a strong relationship with disappearance. I've always found myself to be a mix between an extravert and an introvert. When I'm in a group of people, I feel the need to be an entertainer; I'm loud, and I try to be funny. But I'm also very reliant on my alone time. Once my social battery is drained, I need to cool down. I'll put my phone away and be alone with my thoughts. I have struggled with depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts -- that's what disappearance means to me. I can remember a time when I wanted nothing more than to disappear, and I often think about that when I'm doing things that make me happy. I think about how I'm so happy I stayed and kept fighting. You might think that I'd want the memories of that dark time to disappear, but it's quite the opposite. That struggle taught me how strong I am. Whenever I'm faced with a challenge, I'm confident that I can overcome it because of the strength I've mustered in the past. There really aren't any parts of my memory that I wish would disappear because they have created my identity. However, I did feel that part of my identity was disappeared throughout my mental health struggle because of the way that my family responded to it. My parents are you classic, conservative Italians, so they hold the mindset that if they can't see something, it must not be real. My struggle was constantly invalidated, which made it even more difficult for me to fight.

I certainly wasn't fighting for myself, because I had no desire to stay, and I didn't feel like my mom or my brother cared either -- they were so dismissive toward what I was going through. However, even though my dad didn't understand, he did his best to help me, and he's the reason that I was able to emerge victorious. He's the only one in my household that didn't make me feel like I needed to disappear. Since then, I have held on to a lot of anger toward my mom and my brother, which I'm not proud of. I have disappeared my mom and my brother from my life (not completely, but our relationship definitely hasn't been the same since). I still feel like they wouldn't have cared if I wasn't able to get through it, considering they thought I was faking the entire struggle for attention. That was what was most difficult for me to hear when I was fighting for my life every day. I'm working on forgiving them, but it's difficult because of the different ways that we show we love. I haven't heard from my brother in several months, and I miss him. Even when we were living in the same house during quarantine, he would ignore me because he disagrees with the way that I live. My brother has never been supportive of me, and some revelations about myself came forward during quarantine that he's not too pleased with. My brother and I have always had an argumentative relationship, and I remember always wishing that he would disappear when he insulted me. But I guess it's important to be careful what you wish for because it's been lonely without him in my life. I try to tell myself that I don't need someone who won't love and accept me for who I am, but having grown up with him makes that difficult to accept.

Report this Content
This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
Student Life

20 Things I Learned By The Start of My 20s

No one expects you to have your life together by the time you're 20, because honestly, they didn't either.

Allyson Foutty

We are all often faced with many life challenges throughout the time leading up to our 20s. Before this time, and throughout it, we often look back at the things we've learned and how they've influenced who we are as people today. Some of my biggest influences were some of the challenges I've faced, but they've taught me 20 important things by the start of my 20s.

Keep Reading... Show less

The Boyfriend Recipe

The ingredients to build a relationship are a little more complicated than just a bouquet of flowers and a box of candy.


Relationships. Long distance or not, significant others are much more than just that. I would be lying if I said I did not love the sweet gestures that only a boyfriend can give. The flowers, funny phone calls, hand holding, breakfast dates, and tight hugs are special but my relationship and many others out there exist on much more than just these little gestures. It is a tricky concoction that consists of one part boyfriend and two parts best friend and would not work without one part or the other. While having a relationship may not be quite as easy as baking a batch of cookies, it has its own recipe (with a few variations for flavor) to follow for a good match.

Keep Reading... Show less
google images

Fashion just keeps growing and changing and old trends are made new! Now, I'm no beauty guru, just a beauty guru wannabe, but personally I have compiled some stylish wardrobe must haves! These can be cute assets to go back to school or just to catch up on some of the latest trends...

Keep Reading... Show less
Student Life

There's More To A Relationship Than Netflix

Summertime is only 93 days of the year, Find something to do!

Tallie Ammar

Summertime is ideal for more than just hanging out and binging your favorite TV series with your friends. Although summer does bring rain and thunderstorms which is perfect for those binging days, take advantage of those nice and sunny days. There is so many opportunities to get out of the house and enjoy the season before the snow starts to come back. Here are 25 interesting dates that are doable almost anywhere for any age.

Keep Reading... Show less
Leilani Encarnacion

Philadelphia has its beauty, but some of you may have not been to some of the most beautiful hidden spots in the city. This summer is a chance for new adventures and exploring, so here are a few places that I highly recommend you should visit at least once.

Keep Reading... Show less

Subscribe to Our Newsletter

Facebook Comments