It's September. Also known as one of the most awkward months of the year. It's right before all of the big holiday action begins. It's a month of constant drowning in anticipation and desire for all things pumpkin, all things that gobble, and all of those sleigh bells. If you're like me, a major lover of the holidays, this time of year is absolute torture. So much can happen, but it's not time yet. As an early Christmas gift, here is a complimentary list of all of the trials and tribulations that begin with September 1st.
1. It's the first day of September and even the most basic white girls aren't getting Pumpkin Spice Lattes, so the weight of being extra white hits you when you order it prematurely.
A step further in the downward direction would be to preorder the drink. Please don't do that.
2.You're taking inventory of all of the decorations that you can't put up yet.
And you basically have an aneurysm when you walk into Target and see all of the Halloween decorations and remember that it's socially unacceptable to put a skeleton in your yard.
3. It's getting colder outside but all of your sweaters are sprinkled with blinking lights and Santas, so you're forced to freeze until December comes.
4. The people that hate Christmas music are already complaining about all of the holly and jolly when not a single note has been heard.
I now have Jingle Bell Rock stuck in my head. Great.
5. You're are tempted to jump in some piles of leaves every time you look at a tree, but to do so, you'd have to jump into the tree because all the leaves are still on the branches.
6. You want to scare the poop out of small children (and some adults, tbh) with decorations and costumes, but the timing isn't quite right yet.
7. You can hear your drunk uncle from across the country warming up his vocal chords for what is going to be some stellar solo acapella that's bound to happen at the parties.
8. The ominous chuckles of dads everywhere are beginning to rumble as they stock up on "hilarious" material.
9. You have that heartbreaking realization that you haven't resolved any of your resolutions.
10. Finally, you've already got the feels for Charlie Brown's emotional wellness.
Happy September, everyone.
Written with the help of a funny guy named Tyler Firlit.
