How can one describe shopping? Some see it as a stressful burden that is necessary to obtain what's needed to survive, others find it to be a gratifying release, and for others, the pleasure becomes torment. If you shop at Walmart, these tips will maximize your shopping experience, if you are looking to sever ties with the company forever.
1. Barge angrily into customer service and demand Mr. Smiley.
The fact that we have a smiley face emoji will never replace the idea that he was once the mascot of a multinational chain store. He's really let himself go.
2. Unwrap all of the Nerf guns and play humans versus zombies in the store.
If the U.S. Federal Government has a contingency plan for a zombie apocalypse, there is no reason you shouldn't. Gather your friends and practice!
3. Take stuffed dolphins and toss them into the fish tank while screaming "Free Willy!"
Be the voice for those poor, silenced stuffed animals. On the same note, figure out why they don't have a voice. Is it because us humans are evil, greedy organisms, or they are stuffed animals and are incapable of speech?
4. Put every single carton of eggs into the chicken section at the meat isle while saying, "Mother and child are finally reunited!"
"Mommy, is that you?"
5. Play nothing but "Sandstorm" by Darude on repeat on all of the computers in store.
"Dun dun dun dun. dun. dun dun dun dun." Multiply that by a thousand, and you get the picture.
6. Wear red shirts, khakis, and Target badges with your friends.
Go ahead, you know you want to ignite the turf war.
7. Ride the tricycles around the bike section while blasting the "Fast and Furious" soundtrack.
Sadly, this would still be more entertaining than "Fast Five" and "Fast and Furious 6."
8. Write the following special note in each of the Hallmark cards.
"Congratulations on the purchase of your new Hallmark card! We hope you enjoy your inability to write your personalized message on this card!"
9. Find an internal phone and broadcast on the P.A. system, "Problem 924 in the dairy aisle."
Do that and just see what happens.
10. See number nine, except insert random fear mongering, sarcastic messages.
Examples include, "Did you know that littering is punishable by death in Walmart store number 8456? If not, you ought to know that speaking out against this store's overly harsh rules is considered 'verbal littering.'"
11. Stand in a flower pot, fill said flower pot with dirt, and pretend to be a tree.
This would be even better if you said, "I am Groot," to passersby.
12. Set up camp in the outdoors section using all of the survival gear on the shelves.
When confronted by employees, ask them, "How am I supposed to know if this would work in real life if I can't test it out first?"
13. Pose seductively in the self checkout aisles.
The name implies that they're for checking oneself out, right?
14. Walk into the store impersonating Pitbull, saying that the store just won a free concert.
In 2012, Internet pranksters hijacked Pitbull's poll on where his next concert will be and directed him to a remote Walmart in Kodiak, Alaska. Why not send him somewhere more welcoming this time?
15. Raid the condom section.
If the store's slogan is "Save Money, Live Better," then the absence of kids would fulfill that slogan. They really had it coming this time.
