Arguably one of the most successful and popular franchises ever, "Star Wars" has been seen by billions of people since its release in 1977, but until a few weeks ago, I hadn't seen it.
Judge me all you want, but I’ve been busy for 21 years. I think my dad attempted to integrate me into the fandom - we had all the videos on VHS tapes, and sometimes I played a video game where I flew a spaceship around - but it never really stuck.
Plus, learning that (spoiler alert) Darth Vader is Luke’s dad is part of life - it’s not something you find out; it's something that you inherently know. So, not seeing "Star Wars" wasn’t a big deal to me. It never felt particularly important or crucial to my existence.
But still, I wasn’t trying to avoid it. When my friends decided to watch an episode of "Star Wars" every Sunday night to prepare for the new episode, I joined in.
From the beginning, I had some opinions, and to be honest, was always a bit confused. To help smooth out the edges, I have for you my summaries, and overall rating of each episode I have seen thus far.
Anakin is a little brat, and ugly bug sells him to Qui-Jon. Qui-Jon, high off his great bartering, convinces the Jedi council that Anakin is their savior because bad things are happening in that ridiculously large room with all the senators. Plus, there is Padmé, who does other stuff. Too bad you already know Anakin is going to become super evil, otherwise all the scenes with his mom would be super cute. In the end, Qui-Jon gets sliced up, and Obi-Wan not only has to watch, but also then raise/train Anakin, which we all know ends badly.
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Padmé totally forgets Anakin was once 6 years old, and they start flirting right away. Obi-Wan has all these morals that Anakin doesn’t. Also he stumbles upon a clone army. He meets Jango Fett, who is like the father of all these clones (which if you ask me is super awkward). Later, there is a battle at this place, and Mace Windu chops Jango up. His son sees - because character development. Eventually, some bad guy captures Obi-Wan, Anakin, and Padmé. Anakin loses his hand, which sucks. But then, Yoda comes and does some cool battle clearly written in for CGI. The Clone Wars still begin, everyone is bummed, and no one is invited to Anakin and Padmé’s wedding.
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Anakin admits he commits genocide, and Padmé still wants to have his babies. Palpatine gets really ugly really fast right before Anakin kills Mace Windu. Oh, now we call him Darth Vader because he’s on the dark side now. Everyone is either killed, or is bummed. Obi-Wan and Padmé decide no longer to be passive, and they confront Anakin/Vader. Result: Padmé gets choked (wonder if she still wants to have his babies now), and Vader gets burned. Padmé has Luke and Leia before losing her will to live, so Yoda and Obi-Wan split the twins up without a game plan for the future.
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Darth Vader has a Death Star, and he means business. He chokes a ton of people because his feelings get hurt. Leia sends a message to Obi-Wan through R2-D2. The only reason the message gets to Obi-Wan is because Luke’s uncle buys R2-D2 and C3P0, and Luke is too dumb to realize Obi-Wan Kenobi is Old Ben, but gets it eventually. It’s super messed up, but Luke loses his whole family, and goes with Obi-Wan to rescue Leia - too late, though; Leia’s planet gets blown up (which is really messed up!). They hire Han Solo and Chewbacca to go find Leia, but all they find is that huge, waste-of-space Death Star. During Leia’s rescue, Obi-Wan dies, and everyone is super bummed about it (really messed up!). They join the rebel forces, and Porkins dies, but Luke lives to shoot the one flaw in the giant death star, and blow it up.
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The rebel base is in icy, lame Hoth. Luke and Han ride weird animals, and Luke has to hang out in the belly of one of them. Gross. Then, Darth Vader shows up, and everyone fights each other. Darth Vader now has the ability to choke people via Skype (why don’t they just move away from the screen?). Han starts pouncing on Leia right away, and gets to make out with her eventually. They hide in some asteroid, but it's really some giant worm thing that I did not see coming. Meanwhile, Luke is being a brat at Dagobah until Yoda puts him in his place, and he starts to learn Jedi stuff. Han and Leia go to Cloud City, and get royally screwed over by Han’s friend Lando, who eventually realizes he super messed up when Han is frozen in carbonate. Also, so awkward when Leia says, “I love you,” and Han says, “I know.” She deserved it, though. He clearly wasn’t there yet, and I don’t know how she was either. Luke falls right into the trap Darth Vader sets (literally). Then, it's all climatic and heavy because we find out Darth is Luke’s father at the worst time ever because he just sliced off Luke’s hand!! Luke just has dumb luck.
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Jabba the Hunt is probably one of the nastiest slugs I've ever seen. Leia's bikini couldn't even distract me from that hyperbolic drool and snot that coated Jabba's face. Then, that even grosser thing attacked Luke, but he was all Jedi and stuff, so he lived. I felt bad for the poor guy who had to clean up that mess. Anyway, everyone flew over to this gross, octopus genitalia-looking monster, and a couple people died - but not the important ones! Yoda confirms that Darth is Luke's Dad, and then Yoda dies in a super-drawn-out way. Then. Han, Leia, Luke, the droids, and other random people head to go turn off the shield, and find Ewoks! So cute. I just love them - even though they have no sympathy for Han. Luke misses his Dad, so they go to hang out. The emperor talks a lot about the Dark Side, and I think runs out of convincing (since it only took him like two minutes to convince Anakin/Darth) arguments. Battles on battles on battles. It's a trap! Well, no shit. The Jedi are essentially screwed until Han and Leia fix that for them. Then, Luke fights with his dad/Darth, and Darth throws the emperor down a shaft. Sucks for him. Then, we get to see Darth's face, and feel pity for him. He returns to the Force! Yay! Everyone has a party, and life is good again.
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