A Declaration Of War On Fake Pockets
Lifestyle

A Declaration Of War On Fake Pockets

An epidemic that must be stopped right now!

685
MadAllice

This is short satirical piece I wrote a couple of years ago for a class assignment in which I had to write something from the point of view of a drama queen. Enjoy:

So you probably know that there are a large number of social issues going around lately in our society such as poverty, equality, whether or not Kim K’s bum is real or not, amongst many others. But something that is barely receiving any attention at all recently is how small or fake girl pockets are in female clothing. Oh the horror! My spirit grows weaker with just the thought of that atrocity!

Where should I start? So last weekend, I was wearing these cute H&M red skinny jeans at this party. My mom called in order to check in on me, and after I hung up, I inserted my iPhone 6s Plus into one of my “pockets.” Next thing I knew, the sound of something hitting the ground was heard across the whole room. Turns out, I failed to notice my skinny jeans’ fatal flaw of having fake pockets incorporated into them, which made the screen of my precious phone crack as well as my heart when it hit the ground. It took me more than a week to fully recover from that tragedy. That was the day I vowed to take revenge on this impending curse and stop it once and for all. Call me Buddha because I feel enlightened and ready to spread my philosophy.

First off, it’s not fair that boys can carry whatever they want in their pockets. Boy pockets are the clothing equivalent to having Mary Poppins’ bag. They can basically survive the whole Zombie Apocalypse with just filling their pockets a bit. They can take with them everything that they need like a phone, wallet, grandma, chewing gum and even the whole darn Chinese Gymnastics team if they want to. But us women are stuck with pockets that can fit as much as three bobby pins and forced by the fashion industry to buy purses. Do you know how hard it is to perfectly match a purse with your outfit? Ugh! Like I needed my life to be even more complicated!

Sometimes I think that I should call president Obama in order to fix this problem because he’s supposed to present change (that’s his purpose, right?). The lack of equal pocket size rights in this world makes me question the whole purpose of feminism anyways. That’s like soooooo sexist. Like, why be able to vote if you’re not even able to place anything in a pocket! Talking about being unproductive! How are we going to be treated as equals when men oppress and laugh at us for our nonexistent pockets! This is our time to fight for equality and below is my battle plan on how we will achieve this goal.

First of all, all fake pocket sellers should be banned and shamed. Let’s have our word known across every social media. We can open a hotline for people experiencing small/fake pocket-related crises. I suggest that all of us, pro-pocket people, to revolt and protests outside every store, mall and factory that are not willing to change towards our favor. We shall all grab our torches and destroy every one of them and take what is ours with fire and blood or die with honor! We shall feast upon their defeat and rejoice on our victories. When our revolution is completed, a better world with improved pockets will be enjoyed by us all. We will be remembered until the end of time for our great and courageous feats. I have a dream, and it’s to stop pocket extinction!

Report this Content
This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
Health and Wellness

This Survey Shows How Quarantine And Drinking Relate, And I Can't Say I'm Surprised

"5 o'clock somewhere" is more of a guideline now than ever.

As it stands, and my friends and I are finally 21. We're extremely excited to be able to go out to bars and "get lit" as the kids say, but due to the pandemic, all of our plans have been put on hold. We'd rather wait and go when it's safe than risk spreading the infection and hurting our loved ones. So, we've all been quarantining apart, getting on the occasional wine zoom call. This made me wonder if anyone else our age were doing the same thing.

Then, I discovered this survey: We Surveyed Millennials And Gen Z About Their Quarantine Drinking Habits — Cheers. Here are 3 things that I discovered through the survey results.

Keep Reading... Show less
Lifestyle

These Phoebe Buffay Outfits Prove She's A '90s Fashion Icon — We're Replicating EVERY Single One

In case you needed another reason to love our favorite coffee shop singer.

NBC

I've always been described as the Phoebe of my friend group — not just for being a vegan, animal-loving people pleaser, but also for the false sense of confidence in my singing and athleticism.

I consider it a compliment to be labeled a Phoebe. Besides her general warmth, I was always drawn to her hippy-chic vibes and passion for environmentalism before it was even cool to be vegan or to care about the planet. The way she carelessly ran through parks flailing her limbs without a care mimicked her effortlessly eccentric style.

Keep Reading... Show less

'Tis the season for wedding fun and if you're hosting or helping plan a bachelorette party for the bride-to-be, you're going to want it to be a blast. Whether it's a social distance soiree or a virtual party, games will always spice up the time with the gals, so if you're looking for a fun and easy one to get the party started (and everyone drunk), this game is for you.

What's the name of the game? "Drink If: Bachelorette Party Edition." Here's how it works.

Keep Reading... Show less
Health and Wellness

I Talked To My Friend About Her Cystic Fibrosis And Wow, CF Patients Are WARRIORS

Not many people can say they've had a double lung transplant.

Alissa Katz

Forty percent of the United States lives with a chronic disease. These diseases are unique in their own way, but one thing is the same — every individual who lives with a chronic condition faces obstacles because of their disease.

Not only do these illnesses require a lot of education for the individuals who have them, but for the community as a whole. The more we as a society know about these diseases, the more well-rounded (and ideally, helpful) we'll be. If anything, we'll have a greater appreciation for the strength individuals with chronic conditions show on a daily basis.

Keep Reading... Show less

We've all been there... your brain was telling you "bad idea," but your heart was saying "but what if..." and now you're heartbroken. Whether you were actually in a relationship with the person or you never made it passed the "talking stage" before he broke your heart, it still hurts!

The good news? You're not alone and things will get better. Here are a few TikToks that will motivate you to move on, no matter what stage of the breakup process you're in.

Keep Reading... Show less
Lifestyle

How To Create A Summer Reading List On Odyssey

Books are the perfect summer companions.

It's officially summer 2020, and yes, we're still in the middle of a global pandemic, which means a lot of your free time this summer is probably going to involve watching Netflix. But you can't take Netflix to the pool or on the beach.

Keep Reading... Show less
Lifestyle

You Can Rent Kevin Jonas' New Jersey Home On Airbnb, Along With All These Other Celeb Pads

If I'm going to be working from home, it's got to be glam.

I'll be honest, I've never been too big into modern pop culture — I'll take "Citizen Kane" or a movie starring Humphrey Bogart over Brad Pitt any day. But I've watched just about every architecture, interior decorating, and home documentary available on the Internet. I lust after a luxurious pool, backsplash, or mountain view as though the more I watch, the more I can manifest my streaming fantasies into a future reality.

Seeing the beautiful homes is one of the reasons I watch The Real Housewives of New York and Beverly Hills. While the women throw drinks in each other's faces, I'm eyeing the Charlotte Perriand lounger behind them. When someone drunkenly falls into a pool, my focus is mostly on the marble finishes lining it.

Keep Reading... Show less
Facebook Comments