“I’m sorry”, “I didn’t mean for that to come up”, “We don’t have to talk about it”, “Sorry for upsetting you.” These lines are all too familiar as someone who has a loved one. After my mom passed away, there was and still is an abundance of silence, as my family members avoid the subject and most of my friends now never got the chance to meet her. It hurts, talking and thinking about my mom, but also staying quiet about it.
In all honesty, talking about her makes me sad but at the same time it fills my heart with warmth knowing those memories are still alive. In the beginning, I avoided most anything that validated this wasn't an awful nightmare and proved that she was never coming back. But after three years I have came to accept that she will never through the door again, no matter how much I wish she could. Accepting this has helped me heal more than I could ever imagine. We all tiptoe around one another, careful not to make a noise and break the unbearable yet familiar silence, steering clear of any topic or conversation that could lead us down that road.
"I wish I could have met your mom," my school counselor said one day during one of our conversations. To hear her say that broke my heart but also made me realize through me sharing stories and showing pictures, my mom's memory and kind spirit continues on.
What I would do to hear those who were touched by her life share stories about their time with her. To sit and listen about all the times they went on long walks or bike rides, offered her a ride and spent the afternoon together, or just got to meet her.
For those of you reading who knew my mom, I challenge you to think about one of your favorite memories you shared with her and find a way to honor that. I often think about how others remember my mom, if there are signs within their daily life that greet them with a gentle reminder she is always near, and how they are doing.
Don't be afraid to talk about what made them tick and what brought a smile to their face. When you are doing something they enjoyed, share memories of those times together. Talk about their favorite music that never failed to light up their face every time it came on.
Of course, it is not the most comfortable topic to bring up but through talking, healing occurs.
