The proper acronym for beauty sleep is B.S. because that's what it is.
Too many of you might agree with me that whoever came up with that phrase was equally as devastated about their first glance at themselves in the mirror at the first flick-a-da-lightswitch of today as we were.
Unless, of course, you're a Snapchat junkie that takes selfies first thing after your alarm sounds, before actually brushing your teeth (you nasty).
Let me guess your alarm tone: was it Beyonce's "Flawless?"
In that case, I bet this morning you opened your cellphone's front cam, and then at the sound-a-da-shutter, you forgot that your flash was on. Your immediate thought:
Darn it. I did not mean to wake up like dis.
I feel sorry for you, but I also feel sorry for me because I'm no less of a nightmarish monster than you are, post rooster holla.
Confession — I took a selfie-Snap first thing in the morning once. Except, it was in that category of selfie-Snaps you send to your best friend at 7:00 a.m. to let her know you made it to your own room after a night of boogying to EDM (which you only enjoyed because of that whiskey sour). This is the kind of selfie-Snap you take without caring about whether or not you look like Shrek — ya know, the green, slimy, fairytale swamp resident with the double chin and whatnot.
Green in the face. Slimy foundation. Double chin. Yeah, that double chin you only get when you send a hungover selfie-Snap. It's that same double chin you hate, but at the same time, you can't hate it because it's practically smiling right back at you from one corner of your jaw to the other.
Back to the point. Either way, don't deny that you gave that giant reflective glass the finger this morning for mocking your beast-esque face.
Beauty sleep: A bulldozer load of bull. The phrase we use because those words compensate for the brutal and scary reality that follow the action.
"Time for my beauty sleep."
"I'm up from my beauty sleep."
Sisters, throw some snaps in the air for every line you're about to agree with as I recite this IRL (which means "in real life," for those of you non-hip folk who will never send a selfie-Snap in your lifetime) ballad of looking at yourself in the mirror on Monday mornings — scratch that, I meant every morning.
You will, and you better agree with every. One. Of. These. Lines.
That stray hair poking out from in between your eyebrows — Prettier than a lone dandelion peeping between blades of green grass.
That crooked hairline of yours replicating the jagged line on a stock market graph — Truth is, Kim Kardashian will always be more basic, and boring than you rarely get because of her straight-edge waxed hairline. (Sheesh, and she claims her latest makeup looks are natural.)
That dimple weirdly dented into your cheek two inches higher than where everyone else's cute dimples are located — You're the Marilyn of your generation.