A letter to all the types of customers I’ve dealt with…
1. The patient one.
Thank you for understanding.
2. The entitled one.
I’m so sorry that the lemon that comes on the side touched your water, and I’m so sorry that the lettuce on the side of your burger is preventing you from eating. Oh let us not forget those normal fries that came with your order that truly “disturbed you” because they weren't the steak fries you ordered. Thanks for dealing with such difficult times.
3. The family with phone obsessed kids.
I love your eyes. I also love how NO ONE talks to ANYONE! I admire the parenting skills when your kid gets a little rowdy and you shove a device in their faces to quiet them down. What are crayons?
4. The ones that pretend it’s their living room.
I know you don’t want to sit there, but there are sections. You can't just get up from where you sat without telling anyone and then expect people to come over and take care of you! Also, stand everywhere and chat really loudly while others are trying to dine! It’s definitely your home.
5. The ones that host themselves.
There is definitely NOT an OBVIOUS host area and nowhere is there a sign that CLEARLY says to please wait to be seated. Please go on and sit wherever you like and then get mad when no one shows up. So sorry. My fault.
6. The group that is annoyed by my presence.
I’m sorry I’m interrupting your conversation and not getting your attention at all. Okay great, I will finally take your orders. Oh, you huffed and rolled your eyes at me and asked me to leave. Alright. Time passes. Oh okay, you were looking for me? Here I am. Thanks for telling everyone I was nowhere to be found when you never wanted me at the table at all. Okay, the food is ready. Can someone please help me? These plates are heavy for my tiny wrists and they are about one hundred degrees too hot for my hands. No one? Thanks.
7. The to-do list one.
Right. So you want a salad without tomatoes, cucumbers, peppers, carrots, chicken, croutons, cheese, or onions. Got it. Oh, and you would like to substitute all of those for some olives ON THE SIDE. Got it. So to make it simple, you wanted just lettuce and olives! Thanks for clarifying.
8. The indecisive, but clearly ready one.
Yes. I will simply nod my head while you talk to me and say that you are ready to order, but you then keep me there for ten minutes while my other table is waving me down. No problem. Oh, you’re ready now? Okay. I’ll take your order thanks! Oh, you changed your mind? What do I think you should eat?! How am I supposed to know? So then you list your options amongst 3-4 choices and you ask me what I like. Then you end up going with what I just tell you, decide on something very different from what I recommend, or one not on that list at all and you revert back to your “usual” order. Next time, please don’t tell me your ready.
9. The very general customer about their drink order.
I’ll get "a" wine. Okay. One wine, coming right up. Let me just randomly pick one for you from the entire list that we have and it doesn’t really matter if it’s red or white, just as long as it’s cheap. Okay, now I understand.
10. The one that decided water is not drinkable.
You know what? It must be a new thing. So I asked you if I could get you a drink. You then say “No...just water.” So does that mean… “No, nothing to drink...just water.” Got it. Water is food. Thanks for teaching me that.
11. The one who is a step ahead and forgets the introduction.
My name is---no.
12. The one who’s only hungry when it’s free.
What desserts do we have? Okay, so I just listed about fifteen. Does it come with the dinner? No just lunch sorry. Oh, I see, now you don’t want dessert. Maybe next time.
13. The ones that hide.
I’m not stupid. I know you got the all-you-can-eat and shared it with your friend. Please stop hiding the bones under the bread on your plate. I clearly know the difference.
14. The creepy old men.
PSA: Stop flirting with me and my coworkers. Thank you.
15. The free-service for all.
Thanks for making me get you six refills, three desserts, and serve your food with an extra of everything. No tip? Who cares I only get no money on my check. Oh and if you try to leave me $0.18 tip on a credit card, please just leave me nothing at all.
Love,
A very underrated job title
