I can be very much a type-A person. When it comes to making schedules, planning things, checking things off my to-do list, I find great satisfaction in knowing and being able to see that I've accomplished something. Especially when it comes to school, I don't like to wait to get that stuff checked off right away. Otherwise, I might find myself a month and a half later kicking myself in the behind for not doing what I said I would do. When I'm in "focused" mode, I feel I like I can tackle anything and conquer the world.

But normally, most of the time, or at least when I'm my most healthy and self-aware, I'm actually more type-B, very go with the flow and enjoying the ride and spontaneity, especially when it comes to hanging out with my friends and doing fun things.

Weird. Well, I know that you can be a mix of both. That is a thing, apparently.
But one thing I know I have been and still can be VERY type-A about is time.

Most of our society, it seems, at least in America, is very type-A about time, too.

Fact: We live in a world that's wildly obsessed with instant gratification (especially in America where the fast-food industry model has permeated the business field in practically every possible way). We are taught verbally, socially, and through other experiences that if something takes up too much time to come to us, no matter what it might be, it is considered to be of less value and less important. We hear the message that if something you want takes "too long" (whatever "too long" actually means) to come to you or for you to achieve it, that you haven't been or aren't working hard enough for it, that it's not worth waiting for anymore because too much time was "lost/spent/wasted" on waiting for it already.

Point being: we do not live in a patient world. Our society does not like waiting for things to happen or come to us.

And honestly, neither do I.

Since I was younger, Time and I haven't had the best relationship with each other. I always seemed to lose track of it.
The passage of it and the ticking noise of the clock made me, and can still make me (but to a much lesser degree now), anxious.

So, when I don't make sure to put things into a calendar, especially for school work and my job, when I don't know due dates, or I don't give myself a time frame to get things done by, I kind of wind up floating on by through life like it's all rainbows and unicorns and sunshine and everything is fine and I have no responsibilities or obligations and everything will work out just peachy.

It can get bad. Or at least, it has gotten worse in the past.

So, to counteract this, I've worked really, really hard at getting in the habit of scheduling things. Meticulously. Methodically. In my efforts to keep myself accountable and steward the time God's given well, planners, "to-do lists," and vibrant visuals like sticky-note reminders, have become close companions of mine. I like knowing the near future, hourly, daily, weekly. Or at least, I like having some kind of grip on when things in my life are happening, you know, like most people do?

For me, having some kind of structured plan has made me feel more at ease, responsible, on top of things, competent…especially since I haven't always felt like that before.

But here's the thing. In my quest to make myself more conscientious and aware of time, to become better at "playing along" with this world, how it seems to function and view time, I subconsciously gave God time frames to answer prayers I've prayed.

I grew to want Him to work with my schedule, my plans, my time, and at some point in my life, I came to think that God would honor those things and the expectations I had for my life. I came to expect God to give me answers to my prayers in a timely fashion that would fit in smoothly and in line with the other things I had planned for myself...and also...because I thought I deserved an answer...

That is sooo not the way Jesus works.

But still, it has been what I have hoped for in the past…

And quite honestly, it can get painful and disheartening when we end up waiting for something and it doesn't come into being, right?

When we pray for something that our hearts long for what seems like a long, long time, and we don't see God answering our prayers after a while, or a couple months, or a couple years, or MORE than a couple years, my suspicion is (and it's only my suspicion because I've done this myself), that we feel a multitude of things towards God, many of which tend to be negative.

We knee-jerk react.
We get angry.
We shake our fists and scream "NOT FAIR!"
We QUESTION GOD'S GOODNESS when the ENTIRE BIBLE is a TESTIMONY of His CONSISTENCY, FAITHFULNESS, PROVISION, KINDNESS, PATIENCE, AND ULTIMATELY, GOD'S GOODNESS.

On a personal note, I went through my own time of being in the waiting. For a good amount of time in my life, I continued to pray that God would intervene in a situation in my life, and while I was waiting for an answer to this prayer, I found the song "Take Courage" by Kristene DiMarco (and for real y'all, if you haven't listened to this song SERIOUSLY go listen to it now).

This song has been an anthem for me, and specifically, these are the lyrics from the song I've held onto.

"Do not forget
His great faithfulness
He'll finish all He's begun,
So take courage my heart
Stay steadfast my soul
He's in the waiting
He's in the waiting
And hold onto your hope
As your triumph unfolds
He's never failing
He's never failing"

I love these lyrics. I love this song. I love belting it out in my car, in the shower, screaming the lyrics. It has been a fight song for me as continued to pray over and hope that God would mend this broken situation.

And it's encouraging to be reminded that He's in the waiting. In my waiting. Always.

And yet, and I don't know about you, but when I've been "in the waiting," and waiting, and waiting, and WAITING for God to provide an answer to prayer, and He STILL doesn't answer after my human capacity for patience seemingly runs dry (which He has allowed to happen multiple times in my life), I've definitely gotten frustrated, upset, angry, confused, and wondering what the heck He was doing while I was facing my struggles down here.

BUT, God was patient enough, kind enough, merciful enough, and loving enough to reveal several REALLY BIG and REALLY IMPORTANT things that were keeping me from moving forward in my life, and the realization of these things are, I believe, the reason for and the purpose behind why God let me sit and STAY in a period of waiting.

I was believing that God was holding out on me because He wasn't fulfilling my prayers how I thought He should be (and THAT, my friends, is a BIG LIE).

I found I had become fixated on what I wanted and what I was waiting for God to do rather than seeking out what He was doing.

I allowed what I perceived to be God's silence in response to my prayers influence my view of God and His character.

I allowed what I thought I was lacking, the things I wanted to see happen and the fulfillment of the promises I know God's promised to me because I've read His Word to be what I desired MORE than I was desiring GOD and wanting to grow in my relationship with Him at the time.

In my waiting, I allowed what wasn't happening within the time frame I wanted it to happen to cloud my ability to see and remember how He has always, ALWAYS, answered prayers for me before, without fail.

And, unfortunately, I have done this a lot in my life. I'm sure some of you have too at one point or another.

But, it's not always easy to remember God's faithfulness when you're focusing on the gravity of your situation, the length of time you've been praying for something or the fact that God hasn't answered you yet, right?

One night, while I was going through my own really tough time of waiting, and after I felt like I had had enough, I found myself sitting in my car, exceedingly frustrated and unable to hold back a torrential stream of tears. I poured all of this out to my incredibly patient, wise and gentle mom, and through talking with her, I realized that I had done something that was absolutely crippling me in my walk with Jesus.

Where I was placing my hope during that time...it was not in the person of Jesus...

I was placing my hope in the outcome I wanted God to make happen regarding a situation.

I wanted Jesus to do something for me in my life more than I wanted to BE WITH JESUS himself while I was in the waiting.

Whoa...

I had let the fear of what I wanted to happen not ever happening to dominate my thoughts, my actions, and how I pursued and viewed God. When I allowed what I was hoping would happen in the situation to be what I held my hope in instead of in Jesus, I became distracted from where my true hope really was.

And it weighed me down.

It crippled me.

And I found that I had put myself in the very chains Jesus died to save me from.

And I realized that the more and more I had hoped for, and actually in the possibility of what I wanted to happen actually happening, the more and more frustrated, discouraged, disheartened, and bitterly upset I got with God as time marched forward and what I wanted didn't happen.

And, let's be real here for a second. When you specifically pray for one thing, and God makes you wait for it to happen, or you're waiting for God to answer, continuing to pray about it and hope for it can get really tiring and feel really pointless.

And during that time, I was tired, and it felt pointless.
I was tired of waiting for God to say something.
Tired of hoping for it.
Tired of praying for it.
Tired of not seeing the promises God spoke into my life come to fruition.
Tired of seeking after God when I didn't hear anything when I thought He had told me to continue praying for it.
Tired of not seeing the point of the waiting anymore.
Tired of feeling bitter about it.
Tired of feeling frustrated about it.
Tired of feeling disheartened.
Tired of confusing a feeling with a state of being.
Tired of not knowing what else to do.
Tired of feeling tired.

And finally, I got tired of denying the fact that I was focusing on the wrong dang thing.

I had forgotten Luke 9:23 - "Anyone who wants to follow me MUST PUT ASIDE HIS OWN DESIRES AND CONVENIENCES AND CARRY HIS CROSS WITH HIM EVERY DAY AND KEEP CLOSE TO ME."

I finally realized that I was not asking Jesus to help me desire Him above what He could DO for me, and in doing so,I chained myself to something that may never happen because it might not be what God has for me, and I blamed God for all of it.

It took me a loooong time for me to realize all of this, but you can't rush a revelation.

When I did finally realize this, that I had been thinking about God all wrong, how I was not keeping close to Him in my waiting, and just how damaging I was being towards myself by not letting my hope in the outcome of this situation go, I couldn't believe God was putting up with someone like me, and how much patience He must have with someone as impatient as me.

But I am His child. And a Good Good Father makes sure to take the time necessary to correct and teach His children because He loves them. And this was my time of correction, one that needed time to develop, and I'm very very thankful for that.

It was definitely not my best moment for sure. Once I finally saw what I was doing and how I had put myself in chains, I swallowed my pride, humbly repented, asked for forgiveness, and begged God to help me let this go completely, because I knew I couldn't do it on my own.

I finally submitted what I wanted to happen at the feet of Jesus, and surrendered the fear I had of what I wanted to happen not even ever happening at all.

And that, my friends, was a HUGE victory for me.

Since being in that time of waiting, God revealed some other important things to me that I'd like to also share with you.

1. Remembering where our hope is found, and who it is in, will keep us stable, secure, and steady when life around us makes no sense.

2. We need to want Jesus, to know Him and His heart for us more than we want Him to answer our prayers.

3. Surrendering and letting go of our earthly desires, hopes, and the dreams we have about our lives to Him is hard, especially when it's something we have prayed to see happen for a long time.

But if/when we end up clinging to our desires and the hopes we have for them to become reality more than we want Jesus, those desires become an idol. They zap all our focus, take over our thoughts, and keep us chained to the fear that what we want to happen won't actually happen.

4. Choosing to trust Him in the waiting is hard, but what else can I do, what else can WE do, but put our trust in Him when we know and believe and have faith that He is in control of all things?

5. Pursuing God, even if He chooses to be silent on an issue we want clarity, on will develop a diligence to seek Him more, to spend time with Him more, and to want to hear His voice more regardless of what He speaks to us about.

6. God's timing of things is always, always perfect, regardless of what we think.

These things were absolutely necessary for me to learn. These things took a lot of time for me to learn. God knew I needed to learn these things when I was very unaware of it, and so He gave me the time I needed to learn them.

And I believe, now that I'm out of this season in my life, that there are some things we can only learn or gain from God while we are in the waiting.

And I'm so thankful that God is in the waiting.

I think most people would agree that God makes us wait for things we're praying about for many reasons, and we may never know those reasons. But, there is one reason I think God might have for making us wait for things that became more apparent to me during my own time of being in the waiting:

Even if it's not what we wanted originally, if we choose to view being in the waiting for an answer to our prayers as a gift instead of a place of punishment, as a time to learn from God and lean into him, as time to let God do His refining work in us, I believe that time of waiting will end up leading us to what we need in the end, because He's just that freaking GOOD.

And therefore, being in a time of waiting does not have to be wasted time.

While we're in the waiting for God to act/answer prayers, it is a time when we need to choose to worship instead of withdrawing so we keep our focus and our hopes placed firmly in Jesus.

While we're in the waiting for God to act/answer prayers, it is a time when we need to choose to see Jesus as the Name Above All Names and the One In Control, instead of letting how we see our problems influence how we see our Savior.

If I don't choose to focus on being with Jesus when life is rough and I'm in the waiting, if I don't say yes to loving Jesus and pursuing Him when it makes no sense and I'd much rather crawl into bed and sleep to avoid everything, if I don't choose to spend the time that I am in the waiting for something on seeking God just because I need God in every way, if I don't commit to letting God continue the process of developing perseverance in me — which is very desirable by the way — then saying yes to God when my life is going well means nothing.

But, when we choose to say yes to God in the waiting, when we choose to say yes to God in the difficult times when it seems pointless, when we choose to say yes to God when it might make more sense to others to say no, when we choose to say yes to pressing on despite me not knowing how much time the things we're praying for will take to come into being, when we choose to let go of a time-frame type-A expectations of God and just let God be God and let ourselves be the children of God, we choose the life Jesus has in store for us.

And life with Jesus, choosing to say yes to Him, is always, always, good. Even in the waiting.

"For those who wait on the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." — Isaiah 40:31