Before this past weekend, I had always viewed the word “vulnerable” as one with poor connotation. Vulnerable meant weak. It meant helpless, powerless. Susceptible. But, in a short couple of days, I learned just how wrong I was.
I was fortunate enough to have been accepted to attend a retreat on the Oregon Coast with some people from my residence hall. I assumed it was going to be a weekend full of fun times, good company and a whole lot of laughs. I figured there would be a few times where conversation matter would become a bit more intimate than what I’m usually comfortable with, but I didn’t have to say anything if I didn’t care to.
Anyone who is close to me could tell you that I’m not necessarily one to get super in touch with my emotions. I tend to push them to the side and do my best to carry on. I love deep conversation and getting to know others, but I’m not quick to opening up in fear that I will make myself too (you guessed it) vulnerable. Any moment I decided to share my weaker emotions were when they officially become real, and I was seldom ready for that.
It's strange, but sometimes certain environments can open you up in ways you didn’t imagine possible. Those are the times when we actually tend to get to know ourselves a little bit better. This retreat was one of those times for me.
There were actually quite a few times that deeper conversation and reflection was on the schedule. Nothing was too mind-blowing or life changing, but I definitely found myself sharing much more than I usually allowed myself to. However, there was one activity in particular we did that was the most personal of them all. Essentially how the exercise went was everyone got in a giant circle. Someone would read off something like “Step into the circle if you like ice cream!” and anyone who liked ice cream would take a big step into the circle, and then step back in preparation for the next statement. Obviously the statements were not so lighthearted. The utter purpose of this exercise was to allow yourself to open up and be…well… vulnerable.
The statements began fairly simple, and some were silly: “Step in the circle if you’re lactose-intolerant.” But then they quickly became a bit more complex. “Step into the circle if you have ever cheated on a test,” “…if you’ve ever had a sexual experience you’ve regretted," etc. But the one statement that I was shocked to see the amount of people step in was, “Step into the circle if you have ever thought everything would be so much better if you were dead.” Seeing all these people I knew and loved take a step forward astounded me. And the other thing that surprised me was how many statements I stepped forward to. I was allowing myself to open up to a point where it was just natural to step forward. I wasn’t worried about people seeing me as weak for my insecurities. I realized how many others were dealing with the same emotions I was on a daily basis. In that moment of pure vulnerability, I found myself feeling stronger and more confident than I had in a long, long time.
Allowing yourself to be vulnerable is allowing yourself to be in full tune with your emotions and the world around you. No one is perfect, and no one can roam through life pretending nothing is wrong and hiding from their feelings. That is simply unsustainable. The very moment that we stop and allow ourselves to open up is the moment we get to learn more about ourselves than we ever imagined possible. So I challenge you to do the same. Allow yourself to be in that position. You’ll be amazed at what you discover.
