The Mother Who Never Loved Me

Happy Valentine's Day To The Mother Who Never Loved Me

Motherhood wasn't for her and it still isn't.

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On this day of commercialized love, nothing happy can come from it. Fill your appetite with assorted candy, a fancy dinner and consummate a relationship with acts of true love. One revolution of the sun and the moon, all in celebration of a metaphysical emotion that escapes us, traps us and frees us. To what quota is love true?

I have a mother, you are already up to speed. I would say you do not need to know much about her since she does not care to know you. Unfortunately for her, she gave birth to a boy she did not want to grow up and who would eventually question and enunciate words rather than cute, monosyllable babbles.

She gave birth to a boy and not "the" boy she always wanted. She prayed for me she said, but her miracle came with a double meaning she didn't want to define more than way. Ever since I was four, I could not bring myself to say, "I love you, Mom." When I was told to say it to her by my father, and when I did, it was a moment of conditional love.

The love that my mom grants me is and has been given conditionally. If you do not love her, she does not love you. If you do not agree with her, she does not agree with you. You tell her that it is selfish to expect everyone to do and think as she does. She says that is not true, she never said that or never would say that.

You are supposed to protect her reputation. Anything she would not do or think that you do and think yourself becomes a bad reflection of her reputation. A reputation she does not have since she avoids her neighbors and people she will hold no trust in. Staying at home and sitting in front of a television and tablet looking at home improvement options makes her closer to God and a better person than the rest of us.

Do not even bother asking her why. Her only reason is that she should not and does not have to explain herself. Because she is your mother, the best and only reason your obedient childhood mind needs.

A mother who called me autistic instead of finding out if I really was autistic. A mother who called me a moron when her mother would never have called me a moron. A mother who never loved me because she expected a nuclear family, but all she got was something nuclear, but this is not completely true.

Her intentions can be good but how far do they serve the one with those intentions and not the one receiving them? I do not reciprocate love where love does not dwell. I do not love someone to appease their lack of love for me so that they will love me. I do not love conditionally, but I do not love unconditionally either.

Love cannot be bought or sold. Love is true when you have it in yourself to give.

If you cannot give love for me, Mom, that is okay. I love what you gave me, but I do not love the "love" you gave me.

Cruelty is the mother of kindness.

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Dear Mom, From Your Daughter In College

Here are all the things our phone calls aren't long enough to say.
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Dear Mom,

Do you remember when I was three and we would play together?

It was the age of princesses and carpet that was actually lava, and you were the prettiest woman in the whole wide world. Do you remember when I was in high school and the world seemed too big and scary? You would know exactly when to take me on a mother-daughter date and have me laughing about anything and everything, and you were the smartest woman in the whole wide world.

Now, I'm buried in homework and deadlines hours away from you and we don't get to talk as much you want, but you're still the prettiest, smartest woman in the whole wide world.

I'm sorry that I don't call you as much as I should, and you know a lot of what goes on in my world via posts and pictures. Our schedules just seem to never line up so we can have the three-hour conversations about everything like I want to. I know we don't agree on absolutely everything, but I cherish every piece of advice you give me, even though it probably seems like I'm hardly listening.

I know that sometimes we get on each other's nerves, but thank you for putting up with me for all of these years. Thank you for listening to me cry, complain, question things and go on and on about how everything in college is. I know I don't come home as much as I used to, but I think about you all the time. After all, you're my first friend, and therefore, my best friend.

Thank you for celebrating my successes with me, and not downing me too hard for my failures. Thank you for knowing what mistakes I shouldn't make, but letting me make them anyway because you want me to live my life and be my own person. Thank you for knowing when to ask about the boy I've been talking about, and when to stop without any questions. Thank you for letting me be my crazy, weird, sometimes know-it-all self.

Thank you for sitting back and watching me spread my wings and fly. There is no way I could have known how to grow into the woman I am today if I hadn't watched you while I was growing up so I would know what kind of person I should aspire to be. Thank you for being the first (and the best) role model I ever had. You continue to inspire and amaze me every day with all that you do, and all that you are.

I don't know how I got so lucky to have a person in my life like you, but I thank the Lord every night for blessing me with the smartest, prettiest person to be my best friend, my role model, my confidant, my person and most importantly, my mother.

Love,

Your daughter

Cover Image Credit: Pexels

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Mom, Thank You For Being My Forever Friend

A mom is the best friend you never knew you needed until you couldn't live without them.

EmmaS14
EmmaS14
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Going away to college has taught me so many things. I've seen a lot, learned a lot, and felt a lot, but the hardest pill that I've had to swallow has most definitely been being away from my family, especially being away from you, mom. For those first short eighteen years, you were there through it all, and at the time I didn't think anything of it. In my head, it was your job to be my mom, and mine to be your daughter, and that was it.

Not once did I blink an eye at all of the ridiculous requests that I asked of you, or the not so ridiculous requests you asked of me that I usually didn't do, not to mention the way that you were there for me when things came crashing down. I didn't ask you for any of this, nor did I thank you. It took me moving away to see how much you mean to me, and now I think it's only appropriate to say thank you.

Mom, you are a superhero, but more importantly, you are my superhero.

You never fail to save me from the darkest days. Wonder Woman ain't got nothing on you and your superpowers. You always know just the right words to pull me out of an ugly cry and put a smile on my face — I can never thank you enough for that.

You are my best friend. You are truly, without a doubt, my longest friendship, and you always will be. I hate to break it to you, but you're stuck with me. Through all of the belly laughs and all of the not-so-happy moments, you have stood by my side and reminded me to be graceful, even in the hardest situations. There is something special about always having that one person who you can do anything with and have the best time. I'm lucky enough that I get to have you to fill that place in my life. You are my person, Mom.

Doing life without you these past months has been a challenge, to say the least, but it has also reminded me just how lucky I am to be your daughter. I get to call the strongest most beautiful woman in this big crazy world my momma. You make my happiest days even happier and the sad days a little brighter. You are my sunshine, mom.

I can still remember all of those years ago when you would read the infamous bedtime story, "I'll Love You Forever," and the words couldn't be truer today, but this time it's my turn to say it to you. Mom, I'll love you forever. I'll like you for always. As long as I'm living, my momma you'll be.

EmmaS14
EmmaS14

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