Let me begin this article by saying that I fully support clever product names. In fact, I believe that some products or businesses function mainly because of their glorious titles. Here is an example: imagine a restaurant that sells only avocado-based meals. If I don’t like avocado, I’m never going to eat there. UNLESS IT HAS A GREAT NAME AND CLEVER MERCHANDISE, OF COURSE. If this restaurant were called Guac Around The Clock and offered a line of hip, punny T-shirts featuring an avocado with clock hands for arms who was also wearing sunglasses, I would become a frequent customer, or at the least, merchandise model, for this otherwise ridiculous business. Perhaps this does not make me seem like a responsible consumer, but I really don’t think I’m alone in this type of thinking.
That being said, not every item available for purchase needs to be branded with a specific title. Here’s a negative example of this popular yet unfortunate belief that I ran into the other day: I was at the movies with my dad, and because this is America and popcorn is delicious, we stopped at the concession stand to buy a popcorn and two-drink combo. Every part of this amazing snack set was a size medium, so it makes sense to just call it a medium popcorn combo or something, right? Apparently not. This menu item is affectionately titled the “Couples Combo.” As we are not from the hills of West Virginia, my dad and I are not a couple. I thought this would be common knowledge, so I refused to use the given name when I ordered our food. The cashier seemed distressed and confused at my refusal to be put into the box the menu had created for me, and would not charge us until I confirmed that I was ordering the Couples Combo. After one semi-snarky remark on my part, and a confused uncomfortable, smile from the cashier, we moved along.
I couldn’t help but keep thinking about how many first dates must have been made awkward by this combo. How many people had someone order this for them and then called their best friend to ask “OMG DOES THIS MEAN WE’RE A COUPLE?! LIKE I DIDN’T THINK SO BUT THEN HE ORDERED THIS COUPLES COMBO AND IT’S JUST LIKE WHAT’S YOUR END GAME AMIRITE???!!!!” How many platonic friendships were put to the test? How many pairs of siblings vowed to never hang out again? Most likely none, but in my mind the answer is that this happens every time two people place their order. And terrible names like this exist everywhere, I promise you. All I’m saying is, let’s take a moment to evaluate menus around the world. It’s OK to go for basic names once in a while, I promise. Call popcorn “popcorn” and call mom jeans “jeans.” (We all know they’re mom jeans, really. Those things can’t be disguised.) But if you’ve got an idea for a name like Guac Around The Clock, go for it. That shit will make you millions.
