The holidays are supposed to be spent with family and loved ones and joyous occasions are supposed to be had. But if you are me, or have experienced similar circumstances in your life, the holidays are everything but. I have now survived 16 holidays without my mother. The family that remains around is sick grandparents and a brother who is over seas and a father who will not even speak to your grandparents. So when you question me on “Why don’t you spend time with your family,” this is the reason.

A person who doesn’t “celebrate” the holidays with family may seem strange or odd or even selfish to you, but you also probably don’t understand the reasoning behind it. The holidays for me, and others, who have experienced loss and family troubles, are full of pain and jealously of how you wish your holidays were going to be spent. I spent many Thanksgivings driving hours to spend with family and waking up on Christmas excited to open presents, but as we got older and began to understand what the true meanings of the holidays were, we were always disappointed. The gifts didn’t matter and I didn’t find joy in the long drives or hours I spent over the oven to be worth the effort. There were always family fights and just the depressing thought of my mother was not there to enjoy the wonderful days with. For a few years, I thought if I made the best meal ever, or worked really hard to get everyone to get along, the holidays would be better but every time it was always worst than the last.

I have found it easier to just stay away from family during these days, and use the days as a day to relax and catch up on laundry or other things I need to get done. This is the best way for me to keep from being disappointed and hurt more than I already have been in the years past. This may not make sense to an outsider, why wouldn’t I just suffer through a few hours or arguments? Everyone’s family is difficult and has its “black sheep.” Right? Some people can sit there and make it through a family meal even though it is annoying to do so and be all right, and they have every right and I am even a little jealous that they are capable of that. I have the right to handle this in the way that causes me the least amount of pain or hurt. And I am just fine at the end of every holiday, I am not sad or hurt, and I am thankful for the day I had to focus on me.

So as the holidays come, be appreciative of the family you do have and show a little more respect for those who will not be spending it with their families out of choice. Do not think they are just being selfish and rude for taking care of their self. If you want to try and help, invite them to your family’s celebration if you are close enough and if they decline, don’t take offense, just wish them a happy holiday! Always reach out to them on the holidays to remind them that they are not forgotten. This season is never easy for those who have experienced loss. Show a little more care and understanding for neighbor these holidays, because you may not know exactly what they are going through.