I've always loved watching the movie Elf come Christmas time. I mean, how can you not love Buddy's hilarious hijinxes and his heartwarming tale, right? Wrong. That's what I used to think, before I realized the twisted, dark nature of this tricky little film. Don't believe me? I present you with the damning evidence...now.
Kidnapping
Didn't the placement of that teddy bear seem a little too convenient? Santa flies the whole world in one night, and yet he couldn't return one baby before the orphanage nuns (those poor women! Did anyone stop to consider how upset they must've been to find this baby missing?!) noticed. Shady...
Identity Crisis
The elves lied to this innocent, human child (that they kidnapped, by the way) for his whole life! What gives?! Also, since the elves decided to ignore the possibility that Buddy could've already had a name, they named him after diapers, and never gave him a last name. Unless his last name is "The Elf". Does he even have a social security number? Flu shots?
Mental Illness
Buddy is a schizophrenic who can't deal with reality; He thinks that snowmen and narwhals can speak. He also has a rare disease that causes him to believe he's friends with imaginary claymation figures. Tragic, really.
Turf Wars
Buddy's snowball fight in the park was actually a secret political message to incite violence.
Incest
Buddy buys his dad lingerie. Very suggestive! The horror.
Animal Cruelty
When I first saw the raccoon scene, I started sobbing uncontrollably. "Why are you crying?" my mom asked me, not even trying to hide her amusement. "He just wanted a hug!" I replied, still crying. "Shh!" said a stranger in the theatre. Back then, I was just a young and naive child. Now I see that Buddy was the one who actually incited this attack by terrorizing and taunting an innocent raccoon, who clearly just wanted to be left alone. Shame on you, Buddy.
Encouraging Cheating/Dangerous Habits
Buddy the Elf puts syrup on everything. Yum, this is delicious what a great idea-- Knock knock. Who's there? Cavities and diabetes, bee-otch! Not so sweet now, huh? Some of Buddy's other nasty habits include chugging an entire liter of coke, eating other peoples' already-chewed gum and calling it "free candy," ingesting cotton balls, and encouraging kids to mistake syrup for alcohol (see: mailroom scene).
Racism
Buddy calls the great Peter Dinklage an elf, and then when The Dink (rightfully) becomes enraged and aggressive, Buddy suggests that his assailant is "a South Pole Elf." What is that supposed to mean?! That's racism if I've ever heard it; some classic elf-on-elf violence. The worst.
I could go on, but my deadline is fast approaching. There you have it, folks. Elf is truly not the heartwarming, family movie we all thought we knew. That being said, I will still watch it this Christmas.
Several times.
