1. Round ligament pain

What the fuck is that might, you ask? Only literally the worst possible pain next to maybe labor. I can't even tell you how many times I get stuck on the toilet because a simple pee break turns into a ligament pain that I literally can not get up from. So it's either sit there awhile or get halfway up at an old person angle (sorry, Gram) and SHUFFLE to bed so you can at least be comfortable in your suffering.

2. My nipples are leaking 

I said real, didn't I? Nothing like sitting there all of a sudden your chest is wet. It took me a couple of times to realize this was even happening. At first, I thought that I just brushed my chest a certain way and got a cold chill from my arm? Or maybe my hand was wet from something? But then one day I realized nope, that's a full drop. Coming right on out.

3. Blind shaving, or just not shaving at all 

No seriously, my leg hair has gotten so long that my boyfriend pulls it as a joke now and says "that bad, huh?" It IS that bad. Because I REALLY can't bend over long enough to do it without not being able to catch my breath or ending up so tired and sore after three strokes that I give up.

4. Why the f*ck does waxing hurt EVEN MORE now?

Yeah yeah yeah, your skin is more sensitive, we know. But it's still bullshit. I mean you would've thought they literally ripped your fucking cooch off. It was at least manageable before. Now? Forget it. Either somebody comes and shaves me or it's just not happening.

5. How do I nicely tell people to shove their opinions? 

Who knew that when you become pregnant everybody becomes your baby daddy. Everyone has a say in everything. It's my choice, my kid — growing in ME. Stop arguing my decision with me if you're not my child's father. And even he should chill! (Sorry hunny, still love you.)

6. Can everyone stop looking at me for my eating habits???

You've never seen someone drink pickle juice before?? Leave me be. At least I put it in a cup. I'm fucking classy.

7. Heart burn, acid reflux, or a giant rock stuck in your chest???

This baby better have some goddamn beautiful hair, I'll say that much.

8. My feet look like they have nude slippers on them

But they don't! They're just that swollen.

9. Can I please have a deli sandwich yet?

I mean, what's the big deal with listeria anyways? I say it's worth the risk right now. Because I want a ham sandwich and I've wanted it for weeks!

That's a joke, follow your doctor's rules. Relax, Karen.

10. I have no idea why I’m crying again

Maybe because I finally just got comfortable in bed — two hours, 30 different positions, four pillows, and a pregnancy pillow later — and I took ONE SIP of water and have to pee. Maybe. Or maybe I'm just getting very pregnant. Whatever.

11. NOTHING fits and maternity clothes suck a**

Whhhhhhy do all of these maternity clothes look like old school movie pilgrim clothes? Just because I'm a mom, doesn't mean I have to wear this shit? Are these "mom clothes?" I mean I'm not asking for a crop top or something but damn, the selection is small — at least make it good.

12. Why does my man not let me wear his clothes?

I say that loosely because I do it anyway. But why is he throwing a fit about it? Men's clothing is ALWAYS comfier. ALWAYS. And YOU MADE THE DAMN BABY. Give me your fuckin' shirt and leave me alone.

13. No, I don’t want to hang out. But also don’t leave me alone! 

I'm feeling way "too pregnant" to want to actually go do something or make plans or follow through with them. But also I'm kinda sad and lonely. So I just need my friends to be around me — but not too close, because I'm sweating everywhere right now. I mean, my underwear is probably soaked.

14. Can someone please tell my animals they don't need to be in my a**?

It was cute at first. I'll admit. They definitely can tell you're pregnant and they're all about it. But holy shit, I actually can't even shit without my dog in between my legs and my cat jumping on my lap. I already have a child on the way, no need for more right now. No need for a real-life simulation.

15. Pregnancy brain is very real 

No, I don't remember. I don't think you told me. I don't even know what's going.