The coldest nights long ago felt timeless, a never ending loop.
"What do you see when you see me?
When did all the things I mean
From the bottom of my heart start to lose meaning?
Maybe I share it with too many people
Back then it used to just feel like our secret.
Back when I would write
And not think about how they receive it
I be tryna manifest the things I needed."
What a weird concept it is to be an adolescent with endless freedom - but to be so lost. I can't imagine a world of understanding who I wanted to be in the future, as an 18 year old with no obligation to care for anyone but myself. Everything I do these days is for everyone around me.
Sometimes I get so anxious thinking I'm living a life I didn't choose; I wish I could give my mother the graduation she always deserved. People who are lonely often crave human contact, but their state of mind makes it more difficult to form connections with other people.
Connections are just so hard to build these days, I try and give energy into meeting new people, but I just can't.
My mom couldn't find our cat after searching every square inch of the house earlier; I literally walked the entire lake, and front streets. She was absolutely devastated, crying her eyes out. In that moment I realized I just don't know if I can handle another devastating ending to any . Don't worry, the little fella was knocked out in a coma on the top shelf in her closet. So many people turn cold when the world wasn't fair to them at a point; I want to be the most genuine person I can be.
Sometimes I get real deep in my thoughts and get scared what I find.
Businesses are cool, especially when you built everything from the ground up; but I don't want to base my life success on finance. Whenever my dad gives me wisdom/advice, I try to understand his perspective. 65 years of life experiences; I can't imagine what that generation did to succeed.
Life has been feeling just a little surface level as of lately; I guess that's just the quarantine. I can't describe it; almost a dull grey trying to find its colors.
Do you want to know the cure to any problem in the world?
sunsets, man.
I started this 3 years ago, filling up empty pages with profound pain; Now I compartmentalize every thought to deep analyze what matters, and what doesn't.
It's better to be a warrior in a garden, than a gardener in a war.
Just another random splatter of thoughts on my mental canvas.
Until next time ✌🏼
