I was just ghosted for the first time, and I didn't realize how much it actually sucked. "Ghosting" refers to the act where people disappear by deleting you off social media, never again answering texts, essentially cutting all forms of communication without warning or explanation.
This was the first time I really put myself out there, never having dated before. I met a guy on Bumble, a dating app, and we chatted pretty steadily throughout the week. He seemed sweet, and I enjoyed talking to him.
So, we made plans. He came to visit. We cuddled, he kissed me (which was my first kiss), and we napped together. He was warm and he smelled good. We laughed a lot, and I thought we had a good time. When my mom called and asked me how it went, she also asked, "Is he gonna come back?" I replied, "I hope so."
The next day, I discovered he deleted me off Snapchat and read, but didn't reply to, my texts.
I'll be straight up: I know I'm not the hottest girl out there. I struggled with acne until late last year, I'm chubby, my left hand is deformed, and I have scars on my hips from invasive surgeries. My front teeth are crooked. I'm definitely awkward. I get nervous about everything. I've only been kissed twice (both by the boy who inspired this article), and I've never dated before.
I just want it to be known that despite my "awkward" quirks and disabilities, I am comfortable with myself. I struggle with feeling good enough though, and this event was only a slap in the face — I really felt bad about myself. What was it that I had done wrong? Why wasn't my best good enough for this guy?
Was it because I told him I was nervous about kissing him? I had only told him that to avoid this exact situation, so he wouldn't think I wasn't interested in him. Was it because I fell asleep while we were cuddling? Or was he grossed out by my deformed left hand or my hip scars?
The day following all I really wanted was a reason why -- to know what I did wrong. Maybe getting an explanation would've hurt more than not getting one, but I think I would've preferred knowing than this endless cycle over-analyzing everything that I did and said that day.
I spent a lot of time upset over how this guy made me feel, and wishing things were different. What if I had tried harder? Maybe that wouldn't have changed anything, and I'd still be in the same situation.
I leaned on my friends, though, who reminded me that this was a lesson - maybe I just needed to know I could open myself up and it's not as scary as it seemed. And I guess, in the grand scheme of things, I'm glad he ghosted me before I started having real feelings for him.
Being ghosted sucks.
I'm not entirely sure why it's so hard to say, "Hey, I'm sorry, I don't think this is going to work out" but I'm trying not to let myself be concerned about that anymore. I'm trying to remember what this is teaching me and be better for it.