It’s Totally Possible, And OK, To Forgive—But Not Forget

It’s Totally Possible, And OK, To Forgive—But Not Forget

Refusing to forgive and refusing to forget are NOT one and the same.


"Forgive and forget," a common enough phrase—one which I feel is overused due to its simple flow and catchy phrasing, not to mention people love alliteration. Regardless, it's thrown around too generally and preaches a message which is completely adverse when it comes to one's own sanity.

I agree with the first half of the saying—forgive. There's no point in bearing a grudge, it clogs up your memory with negativity, something that should be dispelled, not held in. Moreover, forgiving is healthy! According to the Mayo Clinic the benefits of forgiveness include:

  • Healthier relationships
  • Improved mental health
  • Less anxiety, stress and hostility
  • Lower blood pressure
  • Fewer symptoms of depression
  • A stronger immune system
  • Improved heart health
  • Improved self-esteem --- you can read the article here.

With so many positive side effects, its hard to imagine why exactly people have such a hard time forgiving. Yet many find it exceptionally difficult.

Forgiveness is never easy, especially if you effortlessly hold a grudge. Either way, it's important to recognize the futility in holding onto anger, desires of revenge, etc…

By clinging to this hostility, refusing to forgive, the only person you're hurting is yourself.

Yet the second half, I just can't uphold—forget. "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results:" a quote famously misattributed to Albert Einstein, but actually originated by Rita Mae Brown. It's origin is beside the point, but what does this all-too-common saying have to do with "forgetting?"

When you forget, you essentially "forget" the person ever wronged you, "forget" she has a tendency to lie or cheat or utter harsh words or stab you in the back. You "forget" he is capable of harming you.

The quote could be: "Insanity is choosing to forget the same thing over and over again and expecting a change of character:" Allowing the same person to treat you the same way over and over again, yet expecting things to be better.

When someone repeatedly makes the same hurtful decisions, you can be pretty sure it's just in their character—a trait that probably won't change anytime soon.

The fact of the matter is, forgetting opens you up to vulnerability. Sure, there are certain circumstances in which it's totally fine to forget—your sister steals your shirt, your best friend says something hurtful, your boyfriend does something mean. When to forget is open to your judgement. If you ask me: base forgiveness on the severity and \ number of occurrences.

If you continually "forget," you leave yourself vulnerable to suffering the same treatment at the hands of the same person. Insanity.

By forgetting the way(s) someone has treated you in the past, the only person you're hurting is yourself.

Refusing to forgive and refusing to forget are NOT one and the same. Refusing to forgive means holding onto a grudge, allowing negativity to permeate your life. Refusing to forget means sparing yourself from the same maltreatment you've suffered in the past.

So next time someone urges you to forgive and forget, remember that it's okay not to forget—you're not vengeful or resentful, you're simply protecting yourself from a toxic person.

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30 Things I'd Rather Be Than 'Pretty'

Because "pretty" is so overrated.

Nowadays, we put so much emphasis on our looks. We focus so much on the outside that we forget to really focus on what matters. I was inspired by a list that I found online of "Things I Would Rather Be Called Instead Of Pretty," so I made my own version. Here is a list of things that I would rather be than "pretty."

1. Captivating

I want one glance at me to completely steal your breath away.

2. Magnetic

I want people to feel drawn to me. I want something to be different about me that people recognize at first glance.

3. Raw

I want to be real. Vulnerable. Completely, genuinely myself.

4. Intoxicating

..and I want you addicted.

5. Humble

I want to recognize my abilities, but not be boastful or proud.

6. Exemplary

I want to stand out.

7. Loyal

I want to pride myself on sticking out the storm.

8. Fascinating

I want you to be hanging on every word I say.

9. Empathetic

I want to be able to feel your pain, so that I can help you heal.

10. Vivacious

I want to be the life of the party.

11. Reckless

I want to be crazy. Thrilling. Unpredictable. I want to keep you guessing, keep your heart pounding, and your blood rushing.

12. Philanthropic

I want to give.

13. Philosophical

I want to ask the tough questions that get you thinking about the purpose of our beating hearts.

14. Loving

When my name is spoken, I want my tenderness to come to mind.

15. Quaintrelle

I want my passion to ooze out of me.

16. Belesprit

I want to be quick. Witty. Always on my toes.

17. Conscientious

I want to always be thinking of others.

18. Passionate

...and I want people to know what my passions are.

19. Alluring

I want to be a woman who draws people in.

20. Kind

Simply put, I want to be pleasant and kind.

21. Selcouth

Even if you've known me your whole life, I want strange, yet marvelous. Rare and wondrous.

22. Pierian

From the way I move to the way I speak, I want to be poetic.

23. Esoteric

Do not mistake this. I do not want to be misunderstood. But rather I'd like to keep my circle small and close. I don't want to be an average, everyday person.

24. Authentic

I don't want anyone to ever question whether I am being genuine or telling the truth.

25. Novaturient

..about my own life. I never want to settle for good enough. Instead I always want to seek to make a positive change.

26. Observant

I want to take all of life in.

27. Peart

I want to be honestly in good spirits at all times.

28. Romantic

Sure, I want to be a little old school in this sense.

29. Elysian

I want to give you the same feeling that you get in paradise.

30. Curious

And I never want to stop searching for answers.
Cover Image Credit: Favim

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7 Little Forms Of Self-Care You Can Do On The Daily

Everyone has bad days, let's make them a little better!


The truth is everyone has at least one bad day in their lives. Even though some don't want to admit it, there are small things that everyone can do to make their bad days a little bit brighter.

1. Write encouraging notes/quotes in your planner.

I found that writing small notes of encouragement above random days in my planner makes me smile when I'm stressing in lecture.

2. Find a great new song to listen to.

For me, perusing Spotify for a random playlist, whether it be a throwback song that I forgot about or a brand new song by an artist that I never listened to can brighten my day.

3. Clearing your desk and starting fresh.

Small things like organizing and clearing my desk make me feel a lot better. I clean off the trash and random papers that don't need my attention at that very moment and I'm ready to restart. Even putting my tabs into OneTab, an add on for most computers that files your open tabs, and focusing on one class at a time is relaxing.

4. Lighting a new candle/putting a new scent in your diffuser.

A new scent can actually change the mood that you are in. I just changed the wax in my warmer and I already feel more open to what is next to come.

5. Make your bed.

If it isn't a habit of yours already, just make your bed. It is much more refreshing to come back to your room to a nice bed rather than just wanting to jump in and forget all your responsibilities.

6. Call your mom, grandma, or grandpa.

Just hearing my mom's voice makes me feel a lot better. Even if it is "time consuming", I promise you will feel so much better!

7. Clean out your phone.

Delete old pictures, apps, social media, and contacts that you don't need or want anymore. By doing so, it will open up more space on your phone and open more head space.

No matter how bad your day is, just know that it will get better!

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