Word's out, the cat's out of the bag, and the gig is up. I am confirming the infamous rumor that I know all you boys tell yourselves on the daily and wish emphatically to be the truth. It's the thing that haunts you at night and can destroy the thought of even the most perfect female.
So here it is, fellas: It is indeed true, girls do not poop!
Goodness no, how could we ever engage in such a distasteful act? Gross! I mean when you boys burp, fart, snort and make any other ungodly noise possible with your bodies it's obviously charming and not gross at all. But the mere thought of us performing a bodily function? How could we...
Oh and that's not all! We also don't ever chew with our mouths open, sit without our legs perfectly crossed or perform any action that could be construed as unpleasant or unpalatable. Oh no, we constantly smell like roses and practically shit glitter!
And gosh, don't even get me started on the truth in double standards. Of course it's okay that you guys can sleep around and talk to multiple girls at once when the idea of any of us even thinking about going on different dates is simply unheard of. You're boys and it's just different, right? Yes, completely different, what am I thinking.
That's just the way it is because you are males. You are stronger, smarter, funnier, handsomer and just all around more capable human beings than we could ever hope to be. We NEED you to take care of us, because what on earth would we do without you?
Yes, exactly. I'm so glad we're all in agreement here.
So logically the issues of equal pay, free choice and unions between two females are just psychotic.
I mean really, how silly are we to think that our work could ever equal yours. That's just silly, we are silly! Us girls just aren't as good at work as you guys are. That's why it's our feminine duty to stay home and make you food and bring you beer. How fulfilling.
Free choice? Yeah right! Who are we to decide what we can do with our bodies! It makes perfect, logical sense to leave the decision up to a bunch of men who can't even get pregnant because they are obviously much smarter and more aware about these things than us ladies.
And to even think... A relationship devoid of a male? I can't even fathom it. It's not real.
Gosh, I am so glad I finally got all of these things off my chest. It's a hard, scary world out here as a female, and it just warms my heart knowing that I have you men to take care of me despite all of these crucial flaws of mine.
So this is my gift to you, this intimate secret of ours. We truly are the delicate, beautiful, thoughtless creatures you desire us to be. We are made to please you and boost your hopeless egos at all costs. We are to be seen not heard, to be looked at and discussed, and to never hold opinions but only hold our tongues.
And oh yeah--we never, ever, EVER poop.
