A little background on me: I have a weird condition that if I find something really funny I have to say it, despite what it might make people think of me. It's called being a dick, and there is no cure. To add to that, I tend to be somewhat dry in my delivery to the point that sometimes it sounds like what I'm saying is what I actually believe. It is this affliction that made me decide it would be a good idea to pretend to be a woman for a few days on dating apps.

I know, it seems like there wouldn't be a big connection there, but there is and it's this: Sometimes satire attracts the people you're trying to criticize. This seems to happen mostly with really misogynistic guys who see all other men as immediate friends and women as targets of conquest or sex objects. Due to this, I have had many an uncomfortable conversation which is basically me listening and trying to leave as quick as possible while he complains about how women aren't building a gold statue in his honor because he called them pretty. Or "I'm sick of having to listen to their problems."

A common complaint I've heard is that women on dating sites are too cold or standoffish. Finally, I was so sick of hearing this I decided to see how much it took to be considered "a total b*tch" on a dating site. My initial idea was that I wouldn't be straight up mean to anyone. That was cheating. I just wanted to see what the most minor offense I could commit was to earn such a title. Once I started, however, I changed gears a bit, and decided to just see what life was like as a woman on dating apps.

Now, before I get into the specifics of what happened to me I do want to say this; I'm not a dating expert, and this isn't me making fun of awkward, yet well-intentioned young men to feel better about myself. This is specifically about pointing out things some of these men found acceptable to say to someone they did not know and had just started talking to.

I started off using Tinder. Seeing as it is probably the most popular dating app out there, I figured I'd get a more diverse group of people. I set up a fake profile and started swiping everyone right (which is how you match with people in case you're privileged enough to have never used the app). I'll admit this is where I almost quit the first time, mainly because I matched every single guy and I didn't want this experiment to ruin my self-esteem. However, I pushed on and waited for the messages to roll in.

Some of my matches never messaged me and I can only speculate why. The rest did message me back and, well I have a pretty good idea why. Some of the first few guys seemed all right, one spent the bulk of our conversation talking about his ex-girlfriend, and another relentlessly tried to get my phone number despite the fact that I had said no several times.

Things started to get a bit stranger when this fella told me he loved me in his first message:

As you can see, I gave him a chance to take it back, by pointing out the obvious. No, he does not love me. Mainly because he doesn't know me, but also because I'm a 22-year-old man pretending to be a woman on dating sites. However, he decided to pretty much ignore my message and continue by telling me he also loved my pictures and wondering if I was looking to hook up:

My next examples come from the guy who thought he was being clever by giving me a survey full of questions like, "If I was a zombie what part of my body would you eat first?" Here's the least-subtle entry from the list:

What a common question to ask somebody! No hidden message there. Here's my favorite though, from a guy that has "no hookups" written in his profile's bio.

Actually kind of sad I burned this bridge, seeing as he's probably the most fun person I'll ever meet. When I messaged him, asking if he wanted to hook up, the result was all too predictable from a guy with a "no hookups" rule.

Now my point isn't that it's creepy he wanted to hook up, I mean I was coming onto him pretty hard. My point is that if someone says they don't do something, and then are willing to do it in about 20 minutes with little to no resistance, they were lying about not doing it. It also means you're not sure what else they could be lying about, and as a 19-year-old girl talking to a 25-year-old on the internet, I knew it was safe for me not to trust someone who wasn't who they said they were.

I decided to move on from Tinder now to a less-popular dating app, MeetMe. Unlike Tinder, Bumble, or any of the other match-based sites, MeetMe allows users to message other users right off the bat unless they set their privacy settings a specific way. I checked out a few status updates by female users and they gave me a bit of an idea of what was in store for me.

Also a lot of profile bios had things like "no I won't hook up with you," or "if you're over 40 please don't message me." It seemed I had already stepped into a more hostile environment than Tinder. Right off the bat I got this message:

This site has language restrictions so I'm not allowed to show you what I told him to do. First he assured me that it was a common fetish. Maybe it is, but so is light bondage, doesn't mean it's appropriate to start a conversation by offering a stranger money to do it with you. After I didn't respond to that he called me a word that began with the letter C. This next guy had an even more interesting offer.

I also received a few pictures of penises which I'm told I'm not allowed to post on here. Unfortunately, this is all the wonderful research I was able to do on MeetMe before my account got suspended. Apparently they figured out that someone with an email address of a man's first and last name probably wasn't actually "Katherine (Kat) Fisherman." A name I was a little too proud of, if I'm being completely honest. At this point I was pretty done, and actually decided to delete all the dating apps on my phone because I had just become very turned off by this whole experience.

Here's the point, guys who at this point probably realize we're not actually friends: you might be a little guarded too if this was the experience you had on dating sites. Learn what sarcasm is. I don't agree with you and I'm sick of having to listen to your problems.