Never in my wildest dreams did I ever imagine that I would be at a women's college. I refused to step on the campus of a women's college for so long, but when I finally gave in, I realized that because there weren't men didn't mean the schools were inherently bad. But the personal growth I had to go through to make the decision to commit to Smith was a big jump for my 18-year-old self. But now, I'm facing the issue that a lot of people will face if they attend a gender minority school or a women's college: how do I go back to co-ed?
It's not easy, at least for me. I thought it would be easy. I had taken a class at a co-ed campus and really liked the change of pace, but now that I'm in a land far, far away from Smith, I'm feeling uncomfortable in a way that people don't seem to understand. There's no other word for it besides uncomfortable. I sit in class and feel afraid to use my own voice. When I talk to people, I constantly monitor my personal opinions, so I don't alienate anyone (and alienate myself). One day, I started crying in the middle of class because of what a guy was saying about sexual assault. And sometimes the work it takes to be here is enough to make me want to go back.
But it's nice to stretch my comfort zone. Every day that goes by, I prove to myself that I'm ready for this. When I feel uncomfortable in class or in a particular situation, I am always ready to speak up and advocate for myself and for others. In high school, I had a history teacher tell my class of 30 girls that women who strive for success were an anomaly and they women were genetically modified to be caregivers, not CEOs. At that time, I knew what he was saying was unjust and ignorant, but I didn't have the words to express why. Now I do. And I can stand up for myself in a way that I never could before.
Going to a women's college, people always tell me that I need to prepare myself to integrate back into "the real world." I sort of get it. A single sex environment can be stifling for outsiders and can skew the insiders perception of the world. But honestly, I am ready and willing to soak up my remaining two years at Smith and carry out that same community for the rest of my life.
The most worthwhile relationships in my life are with other women, and I don't see that ever changing. I may have to leave my women's college, but the friendships and connections I have with those who share similar experiences to mine will carry out for the rest of my life.
