Why do you still value something that costed you everything?

I remember being very young and seeing you stumble around the house. I remember your bloodshot eyes, glazed over, while I tried to tell you about my day. I remember you coming home belligerently drunk and telling me I would never be anything in life, that you would read about me in the paper. I was a child, a developing child, who absorbed everything you told me and for a second, I believed you. About 12 years ago, you and mom got divorced due to your excessive drinking and I remember asking mom, "Why doesn't he just quit momma? He won't miss us?" You consistently do the things that costed you your family and this is why I don't trust you when you claim you've changed.

I believe people change, but I will never forget.

I can't even begin to count the number of times you have told me you are a changed man. I've been proud of you every time and I get let down. I don't trust what you say anymore because you aren't a man of your word. So you truly can't blame me for protecting myself and not trusting you until I see longevity in your change. I will never be able to forget the harsh words you've said to me, the drunken yelling, or the cops having to be called because you will not stop. You told me that I was a child, but somehow I was more of an adult at 16 than you have ever been.

I can't remember a single positive thing you said to me as a child.

I vividly remember sitting on the couch with tears running down my face as you told me I was a disappointment, I would be in jail for drugs, I would never be successful, and I was disrespectful. Firstly, I'm only a disappointment in your eyes because I'm strong and I don't succumb to what you say about me anymore. I'm disrespectful because I don't let you demean me anymore. Out of my 21 years of life, the only things I feel like you gave me is emotional trauma and mental health struggles. Because of you, I have abandonment issues. Because of you, I feel like I'm never enough. Because of you, I can't smell certain alcohols without getting flashbacks.

Your time to be a father started 21 years ago, that time is now up.

I've begged you my entire life to be involved. I played multiple sports for 15 years and you never attended a single game. When mom told you I was doing cheerleading again, you complained about the money. What you didn't know is I did extracurricular activities to escape the traumatic childhood. Since you pick and choose when you want to be a father to me, I've had no choice but to decide I didn't need you. Now that I'm an adult, married to an amazing man who has willingly picked up all of my broken pieces, and moving across the world, you want to mend things. The sad part about that is, just because you're now ready to be a dad and the timing is right for you, doesn't mean the time is right for me. I know you've heard the saying "timing is everything," you've had plenty of it and I'm not willing to waste anymore of mine waiting for you to change.