Before you read this and start rolling your eyes, just know that I am extremely dramatic and emotional.

I've grown up with a mother who truly valued her home country. Almost every summer we have traveled there together to enjoy a month to three month long vacation with family in my grandparents beautiful home. In reality, my mother's home country is a terrible place to live. There is so much pollution, hidden racism, sexism, greedy politicians, and overpopulation. So one might ask, why are u homesick for a country that 1) isn't where you were raised and 2) is literal trash.

Well, when I was younger my mother's parents were alive. I loved them so much and would spend almost four months with them out of the entire year. That was a good enough chunk of time to create some serious attachment. They tragically passed away within a year of each other when I was about 10-11 years old and well, the feeling of going to that country changed. It wasn't the same without them there and my mother went into a deep, deep depression but for some reason we still went back. My mother says it's because we are surrounded by their family and friends and their home still contains their beautiful scent and spirit. I actually still feel their presence in the home along with emptiness because I can not speak to them. It hurts and I always think about death there but also feel some peace being in their home and seeing their pictures and siblings and cousins and friends who continue to talk about them to this very day, almost 10 years later. Anyways, the country has always felt as if it were somewhat home to me even though I refuse to admit it to anyone because they are quick to tell me to go and live there permanently which I don't want. Or do I? It's not stable at all and if many issues were resolved including racism I'd move there in a heartbeat.

Although the country itself is crumbling, I still miss my family. I miss being able to see my mom's aunt everyday and talking to her about the past. I miss breathing in the fresh air of the mountains. I miss walking in the zouk and seeing people from all over. I miss the new friends I made even though they probably don't care about me. I miss my grandma who hates and tears up when I leave her house. I miss gossiping about family with family. I miss visiting the peaceful religious areas. I miss so many things but again I love my friends and family in the U.S. I love my boyfriend and father who never travel there with me. But it still sucks because I have this odd attachment thanks to my mother and there's absolutely nothing I can do besides visit. No matter how long I stay there, it won't be enough even if I lived there I feel as if death would somehow come quicker and time would almost pass by too quickly. In the U.S. there is stability and some great people. There is so much wrong in my mother's country but there are some pieces of it I wish I could always have with me. Regardless, I am thankful for being able to travel there and arrive back home safely.

Now you can roll your eyes.

P.S. I am not a writer at all. I'm an engineering major who is much better at math but here I am pretending that I can sort of write.