Hey, guys! It’s been a while since I wrote something for Odyssey, and I wanted to start off this new year right, so here are the top ten reasons why you SHOULDN’T murder people! Let’s get started!

10. It’s probably illegal or something.

You really don’t know what those pencil-pushing politicians are outlawing nowadays, but I’m like, 55% sure murder is one of those things. I could be wrong here, but you’d best play it safe.

9. It gets really messy.

Unless you go with asphyxiation, you’re probably going to wind up with some bodily fluid somewhere. Whether it’s blood, vomit, or drool, it’s common courtesy to clean up any messes caused by any sort of dabbling in the field of homicide. Not sure if you noticed, but bloodstains are really hard to get out, and lord knows how many diseases are carried in that.

8. It’s pretty wasteful.

Cannibalism is illegal in many states, so usually the remains of the victim are either stuffed in a wooden box and buried, or incinerated and scattered in the wind. Now, this would be good fertilizer for the soil, but nobody buries their relative in a garden or a crop field. They go to waste, rotting underneath an oftentimes very bleak cemetery. Even if the cemetery is well-kept, all of those useful nutrients are going toward aesthetic. It really isn’t worth it.

7. It’s a huge turn-off.

As someone who is bad at everything, I can say for certain that women are not as into the “Bad Boy” image as you think. So, if you were planning to commit homicide to impress that girl you like, think again. She’ll probably call you mean things like “Nerd” or “Raging Psychopath”.

Note- I do not know if this goes both ways, so ladies, you could be in luck here. I personally am not into murderers, but I’ve deviated from the norm enough to consider myself an outlier.

6. It’s just plain rude.

Imagine if you were going about your everyday life, maybe doing some shopping, maybe giving in to the throes of existential anguish. Perfectly fine day. And then, suddenly, some asshole with a baseball bat knocks you over the head and bashes your brains out. You wouldn’t want that to happen to you, would you? Why would you want to do that to someone else? Don’t be an asshole.

5. Nobody looks hot when speckled with flecks of blood.

I’ll be honest, this is just personal preference. But, much like bell bottom jeans or Bedazzled clothing, flecks of blood are so out, they were never even in to begin with. So, while you’re accessorizing and thinking about murdering a person to achieve that “psycho” vibe, consider a spiked dog collar instead.

4. Vendettas are a bitch.

You think killing the guy is the end of it? No, sir. Imagine, you’re having a perfectly fine day, and suddenly, you’re met by this perfectly normal lady. Seems like a chill person, right? Wrong. She spouts this nonsense about you killing her father, draws a firearm, and shoots you in the head. What a complete bother, right?

3. People start lumping you in with the other murderers.

Surely you aren’t like the other murderers, right? You’re a good person at heart. You pet dogs. You help old ladies cross the street. You do your civic duty and vote for the typical primordial forces of evil manifested in a shriveled orange pumpkin with a small penis. So why is everyone judging you? So what if you killed a guy, right? People are just too judgmental. “Oh, you murdered a guy?” they’ll ask. “You know who else murdered people?” they’ll say. “Hitler,” they’ll say. “You are literally Hitler.” What jerks, am I right?

2. Homicide is a gateway drug to genocide.

After a few years of homicide, maybe you won’t get the same kick. Maybe you won’t feel the rush, or maybe you just want something bigger and better. Well, unlike homicide, genocide is at least 90% illegal, and all of the problems stated above are magnified to an even greater extent. “Oh, you killed an entire ethnic group?” the people will say. “You know who else killed an entire ethnic group?” they’ll say. “Hitler,” they’ll say. “You are literally Hitler.” What jerks, seriously.

1.Actually, yep, it’s definitely illegal.

Just checked Wikipedia. It’s illegal. It’s Wikipedia, though, so it may not be entirely accurate. I mean, hey, you can always kill people with indifference, right? There are children dying of starvation somewhere for you to ignore. That’s murder, right? Somehow, that’s legal. Go do that. Fun, right?