This past week, I received an email from the White House, as one does, outlining what President Obama is looking for in his noble search for a Supreme Court nominee. The email references a post Obama wrote for the SCOTUS blog, where he describes the qualities he hopes his nominee will have. Naturally, I took this message as Obama asking me for my suggestions of who he should nominate. Like Obama, I, too, take this task seriously. Below, I have outlined the best choices for a Supreme Court appointment in the year 2016.
1. Anderson Cooper
Every year, silver fox and host of "Anderson Cooper 360˚," Anderson Cooper, makes his way to Times Square to host CNN’s New Years Eve special alongside Kathy Griffin. The joke is that Griffin gives ABC a hard time, and he has to remain professional, all the while undergoing Griffin’s antics. For example, this past NYE, Griffin took it upon herself to give Cooper a spray tan. Cooper, of course, remained his cool and collected self, albeit a little more frazzled. If this isn’t what we need in a Supreme Court Justice, I don’t know what is.
2. Maude Apatow
Maude Apatow is best known for her appearances in some of her father, Judd Apatow’s, raunchy comedy films. Later becoming known for her Twitter quip and high profile celebrity friends list, Apatow is the poster child for millennial life. Naturally, all of her dissents will come via Twitter. This is how we bring SCOTUS into the future.
3. Este Haïm
Este Haim shot to Internet stardom after her appearance on "Saturday Night Live." Famous for her trademark “bass face,” Este is the voice of the band Haim. Este is known for her loving relationship with the fans, which puts her greatly in tune with the needs of the people. She’s also friends with Taylor Swift. One time, outside of Nationals Park, she directed traffic across a busy D.C. street, so I could cross it. I’m with her.
4. John Boyega
Remember when you all freaked out about a black man being cast to play a rogue Stormtrooper? What if I told you that not one, but two black men have served on the Supreme Court? If two black men can serve on the Supreme Court, why can’t there be a black Stormtrooper? If a black Stormtrooper can go rogue, why can’t he serve on the Supreme Court?
5. Natalie Maines
Formerly of The Dixie Chicks, Natalie Maines is famous for sharing her scathing opinions on George W. Bush’s decision to invade Iraq during a concert in London. The comments quickly made their way back to the States and landed The Dixie Chicks in hot water within the country music scene, which is a great thing for a SCOTUS nominee to be in, if I do say so myself. Since the incident, Maines has championed the first amendment rights for women. Naturally, all of her dissents would be to the tune of "Goodbye Earl."
6. John Mulaney
Comedian John Mulaney has been a political advisor to President Bill Clinton since he was a little boy. This makes him the perfect option to replace the vacant SCOTUS seat. Mulaney is a master at handling awkward situations, so I’m sure he’ll be great at handling America’s most awkward cases. And yeah, his sitcom got canceled almost immediately, but isn’t it the American dream that a 33-year-old, childless man can end up on the Supreme Court after two hit Netflix comedy specials?
7. Quasimodo the Dog
Quasimodo the Dog is a German Shepard who suffers from short spine syndrome. He is gentle and adorable and has to have his dog bowl lifted up to his head to eat it. He will fit right in on the SCOTUS.
8. Ruth Bader Ginsburg
OK, hear me out for a second. It’s an undisputed fact Ruth Bader Ginsburg is the most beloved person in the entire U.S. And I know, she’s already on the Supreme Court! But why should we appoint a new justice when the perfect one already exists? Instead of a new appointment, let’s just give RBG a second vote. America = Great Again.
You’re welcome, Obama.
