I am a big, strong, sexy college student. Despite my age, I have been told that I look like a sexy dad with a thicc surfer body.
So, I am an expert in everything sexy and everything UCF gym. If you abide by these no-nos, then you’ll one day be a niche Adonis, like me, and have people stare at you for all the right reasons at the gym.
By the way, the gym by Towers isn’t a real gym; it’s a room full of Stairmasters for preppy children who have small quadriceps.
1. Wiping down benches.
Fellow students, we are here to get big and juicy, not worried about the flu virus. If you can’t fight the flu, then you can’t reach a new PR (personal record in sexy colligate athlete speak).
Don’t wipe down a bench after you use it, but you shouldn't spit on it if you’re feeling sick.
2. Deadlifting with your eyes open.
The deadlift stations are positioned right behind the squat racks aka the place where people bend over and show you their butts. There are some thicc butts in sexy athlete clothing at the gym. You don’t want to get caught staring at one while deadlifting 300 lbs or you will be dead while lifting.
Either you’ll forget about your form and break your back or someone's significant other will punch you in the ribs.
3. Refiling your entire water bottle.
Do fit and healthy Knights want to spend their precious time lifting heavy weights over their heads without a spotter, or waiting in line while some juicy, sexy, meat-head tries to become a sea creature by taking all of the water and your time?
Two sips, then get back to your sexy and dangerous exercise. The gym is for people, not flounders.
4. Lifting without music.
Huge no-no. If you turn off your music, then you’ll notice how quiet the gym actually is.
You’ll realize it’s a room full of people forever chasing or maintaining a certain aesthetic like a buff Sisyphus rolling a boulder up an inclined treadmill. All of them are there for different reasons - most likely a sad childhood in which they were ridiculed for their size and Cheetos smell.
Lastly, sometimes they play Riff Raff over the gym speakers.
5. Trying to talk to someone during his or her workout.
You see someone at the gym that you haven’t seen since freshman year? Let them go.
If it was meant to be, then they would be your gym partner already. Don’t attempt to catch up - it’s not written in the stars.
You’d just be stopping them for getting the juiciest pump in their biceps that they can show off to their real friends.
6. Changing the weight when working out with someone.
Someone kind enough to take turns with you on the standing calf raise. Great, because you have a prison body (or reverse prison body is you have a bodybuilder booty and zero triceps). But the thing is, the other person was there first.
If you start using a heavier weight than them, then you are asserting your dominance towards someone that showed you kindness is a harsh and unforgiving hellscape. The least you could do is sacrifice your sweet, sexy pump in order to allow the no-neck in the "bodybuilding.com" t-shirt to have their rightful throne to the Prison Body Kingdom.
7. Yelling at the top of your lungs.
Congratulations. You finally lifted that weight, but now everyone thinks you’re a serial killer. Just fart like everybody else. No one will hear a fart if their music is loud enough.
