Over the years of conversing with people I've been noticing a trend. That trend is I'm never saying what I actually want to say. Instead I'm disguising it using "polite" vernacular. It'd be rude to blurt out our intentions so we say vague meaningless phrases with heavy subtext instead.

Here are some common things people (including myself) say in conversations and what they actually mean.

1. “I don’t like _______(karate, salsa dancing, oranges)”

What They Mean: I’ve never engaged with _______ in a meaningful or encouraging environment.

2. “OMG. Long time no see.”

WTM: I wish I didn’t have the unfortunate burden of knowing you in a previous existence. I’d like to carry on with my day as quickly as possible so please don’t ask any long form questions.

3. “That’s so funny.”

WTM: I forgot to give you a pity laugh, but here’s a good consolation prize nonetheless.

4. “I love that shirt. Where’d you get it?”

WTM: I’d like to start a conversation with you on a good note by boosting your self-esteem. I could care less about the store you got it from.

5. "Hi. It’s nice to meet you."

WTM: Here’s my smile. Just in case you’re a complete nut, remember how kind I was to you at this very moment.

6. "Where did you go to school?"

WTM: I’ve adequately run out of things to tell you. Please give me some conversational ammo to work with.

7. "Have I seen you before?"

WTM: Your aesthetic appeal definitely caught my eye. Here I am. Shooting my shot. Take it or leave it.

8. "What are you doing today?"

WTM: I’d like to make plans with you sometime in the near future. Please don’t reply by telling me how busy you’re going to be.

9. "Do you want the last doughnut?"

WTM: I definitely want it but I'm trying to be polite.

10. "I would love to see pictures of your kids!"

WTM: Unfortunately, no one interrupted the half second in between you asking and me responding so I am socially conditioned to smile and nod at your 3x5s for the next five minutes.

11. "Where do you work again?"

WTM: I pray to god it's a Cinnabon or a Foot Locker. I could use some fat discounts.

12. "Do you have Instagram?"

WTM: I would like to build my following but I'm disguising it as casual friendship. Please don't detect my sneaky antics.

13. "I'm surprised you're a Gemini because you totally seem like a Pisces."

WTM: I absolutely hate your guts.

14. "Just text me the details."

WTM: I'm for sure not going to whatever you just invited me to.

15. "I'm good on dessert. Thanks"

WTM: I didn't realize two entrees and one appetizer would cost me 60 bucks. Unfortunately, I'm all out of money.

16. "Happy Belated Birthday! I'm sorry I missed it."

WTM: I saw the notification ON your birthday but got distracted by something else. But we're good enough friends that I'm willing to do a late post. You're welcome.

17. "But mom! I already made my bed."

WTM: I folded a couple of sheets.

18. "The weather's been nice lately."

WTM: Dear God, I've run out of things to say. This a crappy last resort.

19. "You have good taste."

WTM: Your taste resembles mine pretty closely. That somehow means it is of quality.

20. "No offense but..."

WTM: I'm trying to hurt some feelings, but here's a little buffer.