It's that time of year again! Halloween, the holiday that destroys dignity and makes you see nurses and cops in a whole new light, is just a few days away. While most trick-or-treaters will be getting candy or rocks (sorry Chuck!) in their quest to solicit as many houses as possible, some may find a different treat in their pillow cases: contraceptives. Is there really any surprise though? After all, we have "sexy nuns" for God's sake! If you're looking to bring out your shameless side this year, here are the top 10 Halloween costumes that will get you condoms instead of candy.
1. Sexy Cow
Holy cow! This one is udderly suggestive. Any respectable parent wouldn't let their kid leave the barn looking like this. Questionable mooooove! Time to bring out the cow-traceptives.
2. Sexy Cockroach
I couldn't think of a costume that crawls over my skin more than this one. It really bugs me that people try raiding houses for candy dressed like this. Nice try!
3. Sexy Lobster
It bewilders me to think that her ancestors were locked up in tanks, with tags chained to their claws, and boiled to death. And for what? So that their granddaughter could run around, parading fuzzy claws and mating with other crustaceans? How shellfish!
4. Lucy Van Pelt
I'm sure many would find this costume relatively tame, but seeing lil' Lucy as anything other than a youngster with a passion for sending Charlie Brown to the hospital inclines me to splurge a nickel for psychiatric help.
5. Sexy Gumball Machine
You're probably expecting me to make gumball dropping jokes, or comment on how she's selling herself for 25 cents. I will assure you that I am above that. This costume makes the list because she already has plenty of candy.
6. Sexy Lady Uncle Sam
This costume is the most concerning to me. Considering how many times I hear people say "F*** the government," lots of protection is a must.
7. Banana
This entry should come as no surprise. As the symbol for sex-education across the nation, there is a lot of a-peel in this costume. Be sure to hit up the affluent neighborhoods for full-size condoms.
8. Mr. Potato Head
This costume will make you a real spud with the ladies. Just make sure to cover up that baked potato before putting it in the oven.
9. Google Girl
If your search history is any indication, some condoms can really come in handy.
10. Sexy Hot Dog
This costume screams, "I'm a horndog!" You will be guaranteed condoms, regardless of whether you dress yourself with mustard or ketchup.
Whether you spend Halloween trick-or-treating, partying, or vandalizing a poor elderly woman's house for handing out black licorice, please be safe and use protection if necessary!
