I wish I was okay
I wish I didn't feel so stuck all the time
I wish I could get over my issues and just stop
I wish it were easier
I wish I didn't feel like a train wreck all the time
I wish I could tell someone how I feel and it be okay
I wish I could just be okay
I wish I didn't have to hide
I wish I was normal again
But, maybe I've never been normal
I think when God made me
He threw away the pattern
I try so hard to be strong all the time
Even while I'm writing this I'm feeling weak
Because I'm being too honest about myself
And I'm afraid
I'm petrified actually of being too honest with myself
If I'm too honest with myself
All my demons come out to play
And that's way scarier than I can handle
I hate that I feel like a mess most the time
No one knows that though
Because I do my very best to be okay
But, I guess sometimes you can't be strong
I beat myself up when I cry
Because that's weak
And I'm not weak
I'm tough
I'm strong
I can do anything
I'm Hope
But, the problem is
Behind this tough girl exterior
There's a really sad
Broken girl
Behind this tough girl exterior
There's a girl who cries more than she'd ever let on
There's a girl who's broken
There's a girl who tries to piece herself back together
Every single day
The messed up part is I'm fine sometimes
Sometimes I'm totally okay
It's the times when I let my head talk too much
Is when I'm not fine
I wish I could just tell someone this though
I wish someone would get it
But, I don't even get it
Because it's not me
It's not the Hope that everyone knows
It's not the Hope everyone loves
It's not me
It's a sad version of me
I pride myself in being tough
I pride myself in being strong
I try really hard to be, too
But, sometimes I just can't breathe
I don't like being an emotional wreck
I don't like being sad
I don't like hearing my own thoughts sometimes
So I drink to forget
I drink to shut my mind off
But, sometimes it's just too loud
Even in the silence
My head is constantly running
I'm terrified my head will never stop overthinking
I'm terrified I'll never be okay
I'm terrified that I'll always be a train wreck
I'm terrified someone will see it
But, I do the best I can
I smile
I laugh
I try to be okay
But, sometimes I just can't be
It's those moments when I feel myself breaking down
That I get scared
It's those moments when I start to cry that I get scared
Because someone will see me being weak
But, they tell me it's okay
Maybe it will be okay one day
Maybe I'll be fine again
Maybe I'll get it together
Maybe.
