From the title, this likely already seems confusing. Well, like I mentioned, this isn't about me being transgender or gender fluid or anything around that. Being transgender is all about you and your own identity - wanting to be the gender that is associated with the opposite sex. This wasn't the case for me. I was born a girl, and I wanted to be a girl.

But I didn't feel feminine for a long time.

Once I was 13 I started learning things about things that helped me to grow in my femininity, such as how I could dress, wear makeup, and do my hair to feel girly. But as a little kid, I was not allowed makeup, I wore lots of hand-me-downs too big for my tiny body, and my hair naturally grew into a bowl cut for years. At home this was all never a problem—I was the little girl of the family and that's how I felt with my family—but in school, there was a difference.

The girliest girls in my classes thought I was odd.

My only sibling was my one older brother, so naturally, I looked up to him for guidance. This guidance was Cartoon Network, classic rock music, and video games, all of which I had no idea the schoolyard considered "boy things." I just considered them fun, so I would come into class talking about shows on Adult Swim and songs by Queen. With all of the physical and emotional traits put together, plus being a shy kid who rarely stood up for herself, I started getting treated by some classmates like I was a boy. And I don't really blame them.

For some time, I didn't mind this.

For the first years of elementary school, hanging out with guys a lot was kinda cool. I made friends with people with my interests, and they thought it was wild that a girl played Guitar Hero the way she breathed oxygen. Sadly, this became confusing for me internally. I wanted to be feminine, and I loved being female, but nobody saw me that way besides my parents. How could I show my femininity if I didn't seem to have any?

Then I entered middle school, and it occurred to me how much I really cared about it.

I started to fall into my insecurities and become sad with myself. I'd look at all of the girls around me who looked so pretty and put-together and feminine and all I wanted was to be like them. So I started doing my hair like them, cutting my shirts like theirs, and so on. And it did not change a thing. I felt fake and disgusted with myself, but it was a smidge better than feeling boyish so I continued on.

After doing this for all of the seventh grade, I decided enough was enough and that I'm gonna do what I want. So when eighth grade came around I dressed in whatever was in my drawer and was comfortable, I put on makeup how I wanted, and I did my hair how I wanted, and played Minecraft and listened to Freddie Mercury every chance I got.

Eventually, I was the happiest with myself I had been in a while. Once I stopped caring about other people's versions of femininity, I started to feel like a young woman. And that's really all I wanted. It seems all I needed was myself.