Today really wasn't my favorite day for a multitude of reasons that I don't want to talk about. I guess it was time for a not-great day because all my other days have been good, relatively. So I don't mind having one of these days every once in a while, but sill they aren't my favorite.
I just felt off in the way of not really belonging in your body. You see yourself and feel yourself but your mind is somewhere else, or at least part of you is running away while the other half has feet stuck to the ground. It was one of the days that I cry about everything I see or read or hear, like how Lorelai broke up with Christopher on Gilmore Girls, even though I wanted her to be with Luke. It was just sad because they both knew it was a lie but they kept pretending it wasn't, which I guess is another lie. I'm not sure. The worst love is the one you want to work but doesn't.
It's interesting because two days ago I felt whole and complete and like nothing could take me down, but now I am down and I know I'm not down forever but still I'm just a little down. I was thinking the other day about how even the best days have their moments of bad moods, how sometimes you can't even live through a day without being at least a little unhappy. I told this to my roommate and she said that wasn't true, necessarily, that you can still choose to be happy, but for me it's been true. So I guess I'm not really sure.
When I was a little kid I used to wonder if bad days happened at a certain frequency, or if a bad week happened every 5 or 6 weeks, or something along the lines of a cycle like that. Sometimes I still wonder that today, because I can't seem to make it a certain amount of time without at least one bad day. And that's not me being dramatic, it's just me being human.
It's also weird because on days like today I want something that will make me better, and when I think about what that is it's to be at home, in my bed, my door closed and watching Gilmore girls. Not home at school, home like at home. But then I think about how even that, too, doesn't make me happy sometimes, and how happiness is really just situational, if you think about it, and sure you can change your mindset but no you can't make happiness out of thin air because that isn't really your place, I think.
I think our place is to just live our lives and happiness is what finds us. Like, the other day I went to the track with Katie and I was walking around because I was tired from jogging and the sun was pink and purple and my phone started playing somewhere over the rainbow, and I just looked around and thought that I was really happy. I know that you can't just sit and wait for little moments like that, that you have to be consciously optimistic or whatever it is or do things that make you happy. It's just that, those things change all the time and right now I just wish I was at home.