"For although they knew God, they did not honor Him as God or give thanks to Him, but they become futile in their thinking, and their foolish hearts were darkened." - Romans 1:21
When I was young, my life was all about my works.
In comparing myself to my siblings, I considered myself an "angel" child who was "good" with God. After all, why would God send a nice girl to Hell? Meanwhile, I made comparison my crutches, pride my pedestal, and lived as if Jesus' death was worth less than my own deeds. At our church, I answered questions, followed the rules, and did all I could to keep God's favor. Meanwhile, my brother was facing a lot and my family did not live near any of our relatives.
Then, in 2008, my family suddenly decided to move down to Florida, five minutes away from my grandparents. We began attending a new church, where my parents were exposed to the deep truths. Slowly, God worked in their hearts.
The years passed quickly. After a hard year in public school dude to bullies and my sensitive heart, I enrolled in our classical Christian Academy.. The bullying continued. As I entered middle school, I was a shy, introverted girl, unsure of how to interact with others.
Time passed. My efforts to be good enough for God and people continued. I sought attention through singing and telling jokes. The friends I made taught me to be outspoken, but soon I allowed myself to be boisterous. Insecurity plagued me, self-righteousness and pride followed me daily, and if the thought of God's wrath ever struck me, I would push those thoughts away instantly. But they lingered.
One day, God brought the concept of Hell to the forefront of my mind to stay. In the Fall of 2013, my grandmother sat me down at my kitchen table. She told me about a young man who had recently died in a car crash. He was 14; my age at the time. My grandmother urged me that day to seriously consider my standing before the Lord and where I would go if I were to die that suddenly. For the first time in my life, my eternal destination stayed in my subconscious.
The coming summer brought turmoil to my soul. Death seemed real and near to me, but I refused to come to God. Summer Camp arrived in July, and once again my ears were filled with the truth of God's wrath upon unbelievers; how no man could earn His love. Once camp ended, I began having sleepless nights. I recall crying Jesus' name one evening, but thought nothing of it the next morning. I constantly feared death, but was too stubborn to turn to Christ. In my mind, I did not deserve Hell. I was good enough for God. A long month passed.
On Sunday morning, August 26th, 2013, I woke up in a cold sweat. God laid it on my heart to read Scripture. Romans was my favorite book at the time (and still is,) so I began reading in Romans 1. As I read of how God pours His wrath upon unbelievers, the list of sins brought tears to my eyes. For the first time in my life, I admitted to myself that I deserved Hell. Nothing I did, no moral deed I committed, could ever earn me heaven. Only Jesus could save me.
That morning, I asked Him to save me. I apologized for trying to live life on my own; for believing that I could ever earn His favor. That day, while I had much to learn about God and His love, my life changed forever.
But whose walk with the Lord ended at the moment of their salvation?
I will share more later on how God has sanctified me in these past five years of my life. But for now,
May God speak through these words.
With love and prayers,
Sarah Matherly
