To The People Who Left Me Behind,
Sometimes I wonder if you've lost sleep, stuck up at night lost in a crossfire of the thoughts "Why?" and, "What if?" I wonder if you cried when it dawned on you that our friendship was over; I wonder if it's yet to dawn on you. I wonder if it was a conscious decision -- something a long time coming, or if it was a spur of the moment decision to move on with your life without me in it.
I've had my fair share of mistakes in friendships and relationships. I've missed out on chances to be a good friend. I've forgotten important birthdays; and some that I've remembered have only been because of Facebook reminding me. Sometimes, life just happens. Not everyone in your life is meant to be there permanently. Some people are meant to walk in, and then out.
Sometimes, it hurts losing one person more than it hurts losing others. Sometimes you can't just take a deep breath and move on. Some people leave with no good reason. Some people replace you. Some people betray you, and some people forget you. I have spent way too much of my life trying to psychoanalyze all of the reasons why I wasn't good enough for people to stay. I've spent countless hours making imaginary lists in my mind of all of the negative things about me. I've stayed up night after night putting myself in other's shoes, trying to see myself through their eyes, and battering myself with reason after reason why they left.
Then one day I read a quote that changed my entire perspective on the people in my life. It read, "Think about all the negative things you've said to yourself. All those bad thoughts, harsh words and downright trash talking you berate yourself with. Now imagine someone else talked about you like that with the same intensity, brutality & consistency. Would you want that person in your life? No. So stop being your own worst enemy." I have spent so much of my life, so many moments that I could have been making the most of, so many seconds of self-induced anguish torturing and tormenting and demonizing myself all in an effort to explain the actions of others. One day I realized that this type of mindset wasn't going to change anything. Hating myself wasn't going to make people stay.
And so I changed my outlook on myself, and in turn, changed my life. Not everyone who walks into your life is meant to stay. Some people are meant to walk in, and then out. Treat every person you meet as a lesson. Respect yourself, and respect others. Put your heart into everything you do, and give yourself a break. If you invest your heart in someone and they break it, don't let that break you. If your best friend, the person who you've shared your happiest memories with, doesn't turn out to be the person who you always imagined them being, don't blame yourself. In life, you can only control yourself, and the way that you react to others.
So, to the people who didn't stick around,
Thank you. Thank you for showing me that sometimes you have to walk away. Thank you for teaching me first hand that I need to put myself first. Thank you for forcing me to grow a thicker skin. Without losing you, I wouldn't be who I am now. I wouldn't put my best interests first. I wouldn't be able to carry on with my life without you in it. So as hard as it was to lose you, thank you for leaving. Thank you for showing me what true loyalty and friendship look like. Thank you for giving me the strength to be unapologetically me. Thank you for allowing me to become a person who can recognize their worth.
