Writing has saved me. It showed me my true self on paper, it opened me up and it has allowed me to find my voice through the chaos, sadness, happiness, and joy. Writing can bring not only clarity but also a peace of mind. Thanks for following me on my journey.
If you did not know, I have this wonderful thing called GAD, or generalized anxiety disorder.
Basically, I am always feeling some level of anxiety.
Physiologically, I tremble, I have a faster heart rate, I'll hyperventilate on bad days and I either can't sleep at all or I sleep too much. Mentally, I always feel this sense of impending doom, I feel on edge and I feel nervous. When I'm anxious, my thoughts turn into a destructive tornado of negative thoughts. I'll think that someone hates me, despite what they've told me. I'll think about something I said to you months, or even years ago and how it may affect what you think of me today. Essentially, I overthink everything. Some days, my anxiety is so bad that I feel physically sick and weak to the point that I can't even get out of bed.
Also if you did not know, I have this other wonderful thing called major depressive disorder.
Physiologically, just like with GAD, it's either insomnia or way too much sleep, I feel tired all the time despite the amount of sleep I may or may not have gotten, and I'll even get random headaches sometimes, changes in appetite. Mentally, I am always feeling some level of sadness, I can become irritable over small things, I lose interest in things that I love, I'm constantly fixated on past failures, I experience self-blame, I feel worthless and guilty inexplicably and I struggle to concentrate and remember things.
It has taken me a lot to get to the point I am at now, where I can confidently talk about my story and use it to help others. I don't want you to feel sorry for me. Depression and anxiety do not control me — I am so much more than a diagnosis. Because of my mental illness, I am able to love more deeply and empathize more sincerely. I treat others with understanding and compassion because I do not know what battles they may be fighting. I do not know what their life looks like behind closed doors. So please know that while I won't be angry with you if you respond to my "confessions" with sadness and lamentation or with a simple I'm sorry. I am not grieving my situation. I do not mourn the "easy life" or the life that I have lost — and while life may be tough right now — while things may be difficult, frustrating, and completely overwhelming — I am not sorry. I will never feel sorry for myself, and you shouldn't feel sorry for me, either.
To anyone who is going through depression or anxiety, never lose all hope.
It may feel as if the world is crashing down, but never let those thoughts corrupt the beautiful soul that you carry. Encourage yourself to find new ways to manage your depression and practice self-care. Always remember there will be light at the end of the tunnel. Hold on to that hope and trust me you will come out stronger than ever before.
